By the Riverside

18: Of These Broken Records

HINDI AKO NAGING mabuting tao sa dalawampu’t siyam na taon kong namumuhay sa mundo. I was selfish, controlling, conceited, and egocentric. I painted myself as the selfless and kind daughter in front of my family to cover up how much I actually desired to be freed from my responsibilities. But outside of the concrete walls of our house, I am nowhere near the perfect eldest daughter I made them believe that I was.

I never had any friends because of it. Kahit pa gusto ko rin namang makahanap ng taong makakaintindi rin sa ugali ko, umaabot sa dulo’t itinutulak ko rin naman sila papalayo unintentionally. Maybe because I hated how different their circumstances were from mine. I hated how they could just play around, be themselves, rebel, and do whatever they want to do. Kasi hindi ko naranasan maging ganoon, e. Mula noong mamulat ako sa reyalidad, alam ko nang kailangan ko nang lokohin ang buong mundo na mas matanda na ang utak ko kaysa sa katawan ko.

Maybe that was why Tanya and I got along somehow. I could also see my struggles in her; she could portray her internal issues to me. Whenever I pushed her away, she would come running back to me convincing herself that I needed her, when in fact, she needed me more to fulfill her desire to be needed. Gayunpaman, hindi ko siya itinuring na kaibigan hanggang sa makawala ako sa mga posas na inihapit sa mga braso ko ni Alexandre Uy.

I really did think of her as a friend. Even though I had my reservations and she was never really truthful this whole time. She was my friend. The longest and also the closest one I had. If I hadn’t thought of her like that, I wouldn’t even bother facing her here right now, asking her to choose.

“Ano’ng pinagsasabi mo, Fel?” nanginginig ang boses niyang tanong kasabay ang malakas na pag-ihip ng hangin.

The sun was setting peacefully on the horizon. It made my heart swell from my uncontrollable feelings of regret and guilt, but never from the decisions that made me face her on this rooftop. She grew out her hair. Nang huli ko siyang makita ay hanggang balikat pa ang tuwid at maitim niyang buhok. Napansin ko rin na nabawasan ang timbang niya. At kahit ano pang magarang tela ang ibalot niya sa mapusyaw na katawan, hindi niyon maitatago ang lahat ng naging pagbabago sa kanya.

A droplet of tears escaped from my eyes as I looked away from her. I already had a feeling what her answer would be, but I still tried to convince myself that she would actually choose our friendship—me—no matter how hopeless it seemed.

The wind blew once more, flares of auburn sun promptly fading on my skin. I sighed. Isang kisapmata ay pinabalik ako ng aking memorya tatlong araw mula nang hapon na iyon. Nakaupo ako sa salas ng bahay namin, ang kahel na sikat ng araw ay sumusuot sa puting kurtina ng mga bintana. Ang mga mata ko ay hindi magawang tumingin nang diretso sa lalaking nasa harapan ko.

“Bakit ka nandito?” malamig kong tanong kay Alexandre Uy na ngayon ay tahimik na sumisimsim sa kapeng ibinigay sa kanya ni Mama.

He didn’t answer. He remained silent while I couldn’t even find the strength in me to even glance at him. My fingertips were getting cold, and my feet were fidgeting from the uncomfortable air he gave off. Even after months of not seeing him, he could still make my nape tingle in fear.

Here, in front of me, was the man I despised a lot. When I came back to our house after hearing how much ruckus he had been making just to talk to me, I had never imagined sitting on our couch and even giving him the chance to talk to me again. I never had any reason to talk to him, after all. Hindi ko lubos na maunawaan kung bakit ngayon, kung kailan isang linggo na lamang ang natitira bago sila ikasal ni Tanya, ay saka niya pa naisipang guluhin muli ang payapa kong buhay.