By the Riverside

20: Plunge into the Niagara

I WAS SOLEMNLY tracing every stroke of paint at the ceiling, the soft ringing of music coming from the grand piano occupied both my ears. In a viewer’s perspective, the angels were flying above the clouds—above from everyone and everything on land. Seeing every detail of it, from its whites to its blacks, to those familiar faces of saints that were engraved in my mind from the very first day I learned how to talk, everything brought such sombre heaviness in my chest.

I didn’t even realize how long it had been since I’ve last stepped foot in the church until today.

Everyone was quietly cheering and applauding as the bride grazed down the long aisle. Everyone but me—but us. I looked at the man beside me, a blank expression on his face, but it didn’t wholly conceal his true emotions. I looked above our head once more, and the images of the angels and saints and our God made me feel that we are all but mere imperfect products of this cruel world.

Nakahawak ang kamay niya sa akin buong minutong pinapanood namin si Danielle na maglakad papunta sa dulo ng simbahan. The soft fabric of her white gown flowed like a stream of river water. I couldn’t look at her face, and yet, John watched everything unfolded like a viewer watching a screenplay. Gusto ko mang makaramdam ng pagkaginhawa dahil natapos ang buong seremonya na walang kakaibang nangyayari, hindi pa rin ako matino sa kinauupuan ko.

“Are you okay?” asked John when I massaged my temple.

“Yeah,” mabilis ko namang sagot.

Nagkukumpulan na ang mga taong dumalo sa kasal para sa picture taking. Habang kaming dalawa ni John, nanatili lang sa pwesto namin at pinanood ang lahat. Nilingon ko ang mukha niya at mabilis din naman siyang lumingon sa akin. He gave me a small smile.

“Do you want us to take a picture with them?” tanong ko na nagpakiling sa ulo niya.

“Ikaw?”

“Ako?” Tinuro ko ang sarili at tumango siya bilang tugon.

He always makes me decide on everything. That’s what I’ve observed from him in our entire relationship. Wala naman akong reklamo dahil mas gusto ko rin namang nasusunod ang gusto ko most of the time.

That’s why I said, “Okay. Magpa-picture tayo sa ex mo para may souvenir tayo.”

Bahagya siyang natawa at hinila na ako papunta sa dulo ng simbahan. Habang hawak niya ang kamay ko’t nakasunod lang ako sa kanya, may kung ano sa akin na gustong hawakan ang likuran niya at patigilin siya sa paglalakad. Pero hindi ko ginawa. Bagkos, tipid na lang akong ngumiti habang unti-unti kong ineemahe sa utak ko ang itsura niya kung darating ang araw na kami naman ang magsusuot ng parehong mga puting damit at mangangako ng habambuhay sa harap ng altar.

“John!” gulat na sambit ni Danielle nang makalapit na kami. “Um-attend ka!”

Tumingin sa akin si John saka bumuga ng hangin. “Yeah.”

There was an awkward moment of silence that made me want to almost run off. Kung hindi pa nakahawak sa kamay ko si John ay talagang tumakbo na ako para matakasan ang awkwardness na iyon.

Danielle glanced at me and then mouthed ‘thank you’. She looked like she would cry any moment by now as she looked at her husband for comfort. Para hindi na siya maging mas emosyonal pa ay nag-suggest akong kuhanan na kami ng litrato. Bahagya pa nga akong nagulat nang hawakan niya ako bigla sa braso at sinabihang tumabi sa kanya. Sumunod sa tabi ko si John, pero pinagsabihan siya ng kukuha ng litrato na tumabi sa groom, kaya wala na siyang ibang nagawa kundi bitawan ang palad ko.