"Fuck." He whispers into my neck, sending a thrill of excitement through my body.
His lips still smothered kisses over my neck and his hands roamed my body, starting at my chest, going down to my stomach. Caressing my soft skin, his thumb trailed c...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
What did I do?
The question was on repeat inside my head as I was puking up my guts on the side of the road. I probably shouldn't have drank as much as I did at the party but I couldn't help myself.
I know that I was too quick to agree to Jacob's question but the smitten part of me had jumped at the opportunity. I didn't think it over— which I probably should have— and I didn't drive myself crazy over the answer— which most likely should have happened.
As soon as I got the opportunity to get away from him, I took it. I had ran back inside the house, where most people were leaving to go next door. I decided to refill my half-empty glass of margarita with the cheap vodka that was scattered around the place. I don't usually drink vodka but it seemed like a good decision at the time. That decision, I deeply regret.
Before Jacob could find me again, I had swiftly left the party and had raced home. Or tried to, at least. Now I'm parked at the side of the street and I'm knees deep in my own sick. I knew I shouldn't have driven home under the influence but I was so eager to get out of there. It was a stupid decision but I couldn't bear to be in there for another minute.
It felt like my intestines were turned inside out and my head was spinning like crazy. I couldn't see straight but, luckily for me, the roads were empty so the unintentional swerving had gone unnoticed.
I gag before getting up and wiping the vomit off of my jeans with my shirt. If I go home looking like this, my parents will ask questions. But if I take my shirt off, they'll see my scars.
I slump into the grass and cry into my hands. It hurts when you're by yourself and this sudden wave of loneliness hits you and all you can do is lay in your own thoughts. Right now was when the loneliness was the worst. No one was around me and I was stuck to be hypnotised by my own mind. Loneliness isn't lack of company, it's lack of purpose. And I didn't have purpose, not in this world. The feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible type of pain I feel. But sometimes, a meaningful silence is better than meaningless words. I have to remind myself of that a lot of the time.
It took me some time to gather up enough energy to get back up. My tears had sobered me up but I'm pretty sure I'm in no state to drive home. Even though I was only five minutes away, I didn't want to risk anything happening.
Getting back into my car, I rested my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes, I just wanted to rest my eyes.
***
My body jerks awake. Slowly, I wipe away the drool from the corner of my mouth. Looking around and at my phone, I realised that it was a little over midnight and I had fallen asleep in my car that was parked at the side of the road. Shit. My head throbbed as a car sped past me, the music blaring and the lights blinding.
Opening the door to my car and stumbling out into the night to get some air, I grab my phone from the back pocket of my jeans and open it to find many messages from my parents and Jacob. I ignore the ones from my parents and open the ones from Jacob.
Did you leave?
Are you still here?
I'm gonna assume you went home. Be safe.
Shutting off my phone, I lean against the tire of the car and take a few deep breathes. This is one of the reasons why I shouldn't get drunk. But my mind never seems to listen to my body. I knew I had to get up, I knew I had to go home before my parents send out a search party.
It took some time, but I finally gathered up enough energy to drive myself home when I knew that I was sober enough.
***
Should I go? No. But if I don't, it'll seem like I'm rejecting him. I said yes, I have to go. Yes. No. Yes. No. I agreed to the date, he's sent me the place and time, I have to go. I don't have to go. Yes I do, I want to go. I'll mess it up, he'll hate me. I. Want. To. Go. No. I. Want. To . Go. No. Yes. Yes.
Water splashes over my body, running down my arms. I rub the shampoo into my hair and rinse it all out. My fingers trail over the scars on my wrist.
Jacob had texted me yesterday and told me that the date was going to be tonight. He had messaged me this morning but I haven't received anything from him since, especially when the time is nearing.
After getting out of the shower and drying my hair, I decide to wear a brown hoodie with high waisted jeans, my normal attire.
When it was time to leave, I had to get my car keys from my parents and spray a shitload of air freshener in my car before I was on my way.
Half an hour. I've been waiting for Jacob for half an hour. He still hasn't shown up. He didn't text, he didn't call. I haven't heard from him at all.
I knew this was a bad idea. I shouldn't have come, this is humiliating. He stood me up because he doesn't like me, I repulse him. I disgust him.
Before I burst into tears, I quickly leave the cafe. Getting into my car, I realise that it was all in my head. He never liked me, he only kissed me back because he pitied me. He pitied the anxiety girl with mental problems.
I wanted to talk to him, have a proper conversation since that stupid kiss but will I sit there and let myself be completely humiliated? What if he decides to tell the whole world about my problems? I know I wouldn't be able to deal with that.
I'm not a talker, and he knows that.
So. Basically I just fucked it up. It was going so good as well. *sad face*
