"Fuck." He whispers into my neck, sending a thrill of excitement through my body.
His lips still smothered kisses over my neck and his hands roamed my body, starting at my chest, going down to my stomach. Caressing my soft skin, his thumb trailed c...
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The rest of the day went by in a blur and it wasn't long until I was at the front door to my house. Opening the door, the first thing I see is my mum walking down the stairs.
"Hey sweetie." She greets me. "What would you like to do for your birthday next week?" She asks and I find myself sighing in defeat.
I was hoping that my parents would forget about my birthday but it seems that they have it on their agenda. Usually, they're in London for my birthday so all they send me is the newest phone or an envelope of money. I guess this year, things will be different.
"Nothing, I'd rather stay in than go out." I drop my bag onto the banister and make my way into the kitchen, grabbing a plate from the far cabinet.
I could hear footsteps behind me so I knew that mum was following me in. Her hand rested on my lower back as she stood next to me. "We haven't celebrated your birthday in years, we should at least go out to eat."
I spin around to face her, the plate between us as a barrier. "That's because you haven't been home to celebrate with me." I mumble.
"Well, now we are. Plus it's your eighteenth birthday! You'll finally be an adult." That's what I'm dreading.
"Mum seriously, it's not that big of a deal." She sighs, raising her eyebrow at me.
"Is it your friends? Have you made plans together?" I huff and fill my plate with pasta.
"No, mum. I just don't wanna go out. Is there something wrong with wanting to stay home?"
"No, absolutely not. But for your eighteenth birthday?"
I grab a fork from the drawer and shove a forkful of pasta into my mouth so that I don't have to talk. This is exactly what I don't like about my parents. My mum is here trying to convince her introverted daughter to go to dinner for her birthday but there is nothing that said daughter would like more than to just stay home and eat ice cream whilst watching a movie. But they don't understand that. Maybe it was the distance between us for the past few years, maybe it was because I rarely answered their phone calls. But either way, they don't know me like how they used to and I guess I could say the same about me.
I guess I don't know much about my parents, either."Fine, mum. I'll think about it." I quickly finish off my pasta and get ready to go to Laura's house to finish our project.
***
"I was thinking we could watch a movie or you could stay over for the night." Laura says as she packs up her stuff.
"Are you sure? I can always leave if-"
"I'm sure. Anyways, I'd like to spend some time with you. I feel like we've barely been together lately." Laura flops onto the sofa and grabs the remote control from the coffee table and switches on a movie.
I take my phone out, message my mum and sit down next to Laura.
"Wait- I don't have anything with me." No toothbrush. No change of clothes.
I can't decline now. I've already said yes, how bad will it make me look if I change my mind and say no?
"You can borrow my shit, it's fine." She says before standing back up. "Popcorn?"
Decline. No, be polite.
"Erm..."
"I'll just make it. You can have some if you want." She smiles at me before stalking off into the kitchen.
I end up sitting by myself on the sofa at Laura's house, watching the romantic comedy movie that was on the screen. I tilt my head when the main character tells the love interest that she can't be with him because she's too broken.
Well, isn't everyone?
Laura comes back into the living room with two bowls of popcorn. She passes one to me and we both watch the movie in silence, occasionally laughing at the funny parts.
Later, Laura set me up in the guest bedroom and gives me a long shirt to wear and a spare toothbrush. I slip the shirt on and brush my teeth. I was making my way back to my bed when a light from the window caught my attention. I looked over to see... Jacob.
His window in his room was opposite the guest room. He stood in the middle of the room, hunched over his phone. I see a slight frown on his face. Even from where I'm standing, I could see the anguish on his face, the frustration against himself.
I felt bad for what I said to him. As much as I wanted it all to be a lie, it wasn't. I truly didn't know if I wanted to be romantically involved with Jacob. Let me rephrase that- my mind wouldn't let me be involved with him. Every time I even juggled the idea, I felt the panic attacks coming. I felt the surge of heartburn in my chest, the throbbing headaches. And hell— I didn't want to deal with that shit. It was too much, it's always been too much for me. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for letting my heart fall this deep and I hate myself for hurting other people along the way. My biggest regret is letting Jacob in. I shouldn't have kissed him, I shouldn't have let him kiss me back. I don't even know why I did that, my heart took over the rational part of my head.
I can't look in the mirror and find one damn thing I like about myself. Self-hatred is worse than loneliness. Self-hatred is permanent, nothing you can do can stop you from seeing your flaws and not your achievements.
I wish I could tell myself to stop being unhappy with myself. I am perfect. Stop trying to get attention from people who can't give me the time of day. Stop hating my personality and quirks. Be confident in who I am. Smile. My happiness will not depend on other people anymore.
But that's the thing about anxiety, it might let you think these kind of things, but it will not let you act on them. I hate myself. I will always hate myself.
Hey, I know it's been a while!
I can't promise that updates will be constant because I have exams. So I might not update for a while.
But I just finished writing this chapter and decided to post it instead of waiting.
