𝕗𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 | ᴇɴ-

𝟏𝟑

"I came to see you," I say.

"Well, I don't want to see you." Niki turns around and tries to continue dancing, but he doesn't move as confidently as before. I only stare as I try to order my thoughts on how to say what I came to say.

"You should leave," he says, giving up on the musical feeling he had moments before.

"No."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm not leaving. I just want you to listen."

"I don't want to hear anything from you. I just want you to stay away from me."

I grab his wrist just as he begins to stomp away. I can't let him get away now.

"Let go of me!"

"No."

He struggles against my hold, but I'm strong. Especially now that I'm better from the fever.

"Hyung, let me go."

"Not until you listen to me."

He scoffs.

"You can complain all you want but hear me out. Please."

He looks straight at me, trying to figure me out. Just like that time by the swimming pool when he didn't seem to know me anymore. Just before he ran.

After a moment he looks away.

"I haven't heard a word from you in weeks, and you just expect me to sit still and listen?"

"I'm sorry."

He looks back at me. My hand is still on his wrist.

"I never meant to hurt you," I say.

"It's a little too late for that, hyung. I'm fucked inside."

"Don't say that."

"Look at me!" he yells. "I'm sick! I haven't been sleeping well and have headaches and tremors all the time! I've had to pretend to be fine while watching all of you struggle, not being able to ask for any help myself and it's all your fault!"

He rants and I let him. He is breathing hard after dancing but even more after saying that. I know then that he has been carrying this all this time. Before, he would've told me as soon as he felt lonely. He would've told me he was hurting and I'd listen to him, I'd comfort him. I would have. If only I had known.

"I never meant to make you feel like this, Niki-yah. You know I'd never do anything to you. I don't... know what I did, or if I even did something to you in the swimming pool, but if I did I'm sorry. Let me help you fix it, please. Let me right myself."

He doesn't look at me.

"What do I have to do for you to trust me again?"

He sniffs. He's crying. I hadn't realised that I was crying too and I wipe a hand through my face, finally letting go of my hold on him. If he wants to leave now, I won't stop him. But he doesn't move. He stays right where he is.

"Why did it take you a month to come to me?" he asks.

"I thought you didn't want to see me. I'm sorry."

"I followed you. Did you notice? I followed you around because I missed you. And yet you never came to me."

"I'm sorry, Niki-yah. I really am."

"Why did we stop talking to each other? I can't even remember."

"I don't know either."

He looks at me with a bittersweet smile and we hug. Trying to push away everything else. The sky turns dark as we hold on to each other, turning my mind inwards.

I can already feel my sight and hearing sharpen with the looming night. It has been happening every night for about a week. My body comes awake with the moon and doesn't let me sleep. Because of it I feel tired during the day, though not as much as before. It a different kind of tiredness. Sunlight has become more wearing than the dark, though there is little comfort in that change.

"I don't know what is happening to me," Niki cries. "There's something wrong with me and I don't know what it is."

I hug him tight.

"It's alright. You'll be fine." I rub his back as I hold him close. And yet I still feel him slipping through my fingers. I can't help feeling that I'm too late to help him.

"But you've got it too, hyung," he says. "I know you do. I know Heeseung-hyung gave it to you and you've got it."

I freeze. In my mind, there is a blurry memory of one night as I wandered the hallways and came across a beautiful window. I remember looking at the moon, my teeth hurting and eyes stinging. I remember clearly the smell of blood that drove me to the ballroom that night.

I stop myself. I can't let the memory consume me. Especially not now, with Niki.

I break the hug to try to put some distance between us because it's night now.

"What do you mean by that?"

"The fever. I know you got it."

"Do you mean that you got sick too?"

He nods shyly. We're whispering, as if we're afraid that saying it out loud will make it real.

"Does that mean that you haven't been sleeping well either? You're... thirsty?"

"I'm scared, hyung."

I hug him again. Damn the consequences. I'm not distancing myself from him again. We can't afford to divide ourselves now. He knows. He knows we're changing. All of us.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

"I'm sorry too." He holds on tight.

I separate enough to see his face.

"Who else do you know of that got sick?"

"Sunoo," he says. "I haven't seen Jay-hyung or Jake-hyung lately. Jungwon-hyung said he hadn't gotten the fever yet, but knew you had."

"Jungwon said that?"

"Yes."

"I saw him here the other day. He didn't look very well."

He looks scared again.

"I was taking a walk around the castle at night about a week ago and came here, to the ballroom, and found him."

I skip the part of the moon, the eyes, and the teeth. I'm not even sure what it was. "He was burning up and looked like he was about to faint. I managed to catch him before he fell and took him to his room."

He sighs. "What are we gonna do? What is this fever?"

"I'm not sure. But we're sticking together from now on."

"We might be too late for that now, hyung."