Surrounded by Darkness, yet Enfolded in Light

The Final Farewell

Jordan:

This world is cruel. Some people have it all, and others only seem to lose out. I came to accept this years ago, but never before had I seen this in such reality.In one moment, my gray world faded to black. I had been sitting at my desk, wondering if Natalia was okay; she seemed ill when I left. I was about to text her when I got a call from a number I didn’t recognise.

“Hello?”

I was returned with a sniffle.

“Hello? Who is this?”

“This is Luciano. I-I-I… I didn’t know who to call.”

“Natalia’s brother right? What’s up?”

“It’s Natalia. She-” He broke down in a series of sobs.

“What? What happened?” I raised my voice. When he doesn't answer, I shout “WHAT? TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!!”

He stays quiet for a moment, then whispers “The train. It-it- just…. She fainted. On the tracks. She’s gone, Jordan.” He breaks down once more, and hangs up.

I drop my phone. It falls in slow motion, as everything shatters.

Denial

It can’t be true. There must be some mistake. She can’t have gone. I was speaking to her only a few hours ago. Natalia was, no, IS the type of person who is always around, and always happy. There’s no way she could be gone. Even with a broken leg and a broken arm, she was still so upbeat, untouchable. A fighter. I stare at the phone on the floor, knowing I should call him back, correct him. I can’t have Luciano thinking his sister is gone. She will be home soon, then he will see. I want to call him, but I know there is no point. He won’t believe me. I slump onto my bed, unsure of what to do.

2. Anger

How could I let this happen? I let her go alone; even though I knew she was unwell. I should have insisted I stay, walk her home, but I did not learn my lesson. I let her go. I let her die. HOW? WHY DID I?

And Natalia, how could you leave me, just as I was getting better? You built me up, and now you let everything come crashing back down. I have tried so hard, done so much, and you have just left me. I AM SO ALONE.

EVERYTHING IS SO WRONG. SO WRONG. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT. I CAN’T GO ON.  HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

3. Bargaining.

I pray for the first time. I ask the big man upstairs, why her? I know I don’t believe, but I can at least try. Why her, and not me? If he lets me go, can she come back?  She doesn’t deserve to go, but I have no use here. Natalia always brought smiles to everyone, made anyone feel better, even when she was hurt herself. All I do is hurt those around me. I fall down, and drag them down with me. Every friend I have ever had has either hurt me, or been hurt by me. So many times, I have no worth. But Natalia, she should be here. Let me go, please, and bring her back. Please. Please. Please.

4. Depression.

I lay down on my bed, my face buried in my pillow. The emptiness overwhelms me. I search for a reason, a reason to go on.  I needed Natalia, and I let her go. She was a light in my gray life, a beacon of hope, and I let her go, and now the gray fades to black. I walk to the kitchen, and crack open a Stella, chugging it down in one go, and pulling out another from the fridge. It is cool running down the back of my throat, clouding my mind, slowing me down. I return to my bed, wobbling, and carrying a six pack. It sits at the end of my bed, watching me. I want to drink more, until I collapse. My vision turns blurry, and I reach for another, needing to drown it all out, whatever it may be. Somewhere in the back of my mind, Natalia is telling me to stop; that if she were here she wouldn’t want it. But she is not here, and as long as I can shut out the pain I can get on.