Much Ado About Nothing [The Wizarding World]

Act 3, Scene 1

Theadora was walking in the garden with her two loyal house elves. Her father had gone through the plan with her and she knew what to do. She led them to the fountain with the statues and benches, and where the flower-covered bower marked the garden entrance to the orchard.

'Good Daisy,' she said. 'Run to the parlour. You'll find my cousin Astoria there, talking to the prince and Bas. Whisper in her ear that Tulip and I are walking in the orchard and we're talking about her: say that you overheard us and tell her to come to the creepered bower.' Theadora indicated the trellis, yellow with honeysuckle. 'She can hide behind it and hear what we're saying. That's your task. Do it properly and leave the rest to us.'

'I'll get her to come, I promise. Right now.'

'Now, Tulip' said Theadora when Daisy had gone, 'when Astoria comes, we must talk only of Malfoy as we walk up and down here. When I mention his name, your role will be to praise him more than any man deserves. I'll talk about how he is sick with love for Astoria. Cupid's cunning arrow will be made out of this conversation and will wound by trickery only.'

A row of raspberry bushes ran beside a path to the orchard's side entrance and Astoria ducked behind it then stooped as she scuttled towards the orchard, but Theadora spotted her. She laughed. 'We can start,' she told Tulip, 'because look at Astoria, running, close to the ground like a plover, to eavesdrop on us.'

They watched her hurry into the orchard.

'The best kind of angling is to watch the fish cutting the silver stream with her golden fins and greedily devouring the fatal bait,' said Tulip. ' That's how we're angling for Lady Astoria.'

The trellis rustled. 'She's hiding in the woodbine cover now, Miss Thea' whispered Tulip. 'Don't worry: I know what I have to do.'

'Then let's go closer so that she won't lose any of the false sweet bait we're laying for her,' said Theadora.
They strolled to the bench and sat down.

'No, I insist, Tulip,' said Theadora, 'she's too disdainful. I know her feelings are as coy and tempestuous as wild hawks are.'

'But are you sure that Lord Malfoy loves Lady Astoria so madly?'

'That's what the prince and my new fiancée say,' said Theadora.

'And did they ask you to tell her, madam?' said Tulip.

'They did, but I persuaded them that if they loved Draco they should advise him to struggle with it and never let Astoria know about it.'

'Why did you do that?' said Tulip. 'Doesn't the gentleman deserve as good a bed as Lady Astoria will ever lie on?'

'Oh god of love! I know he deserves as much as any man could be given, but nature never framed a woman's heart of prouder material than that of Astoria's. Disdain and scorn sparkle in her eyes, despising everything they see. And she values her intelligence so highly that nothing else is important. She's so full of herself that she can't love anyone or assume any notion or appearance of affection.'

'I think you're right, miss' said Tulip, 'and so it certainly wouldn't be a good idea to tell her in case she makes fun of it.'

'Why, that's true,' said Theadora. 'I never yet saw the man that she wouldn't misrepresent, no matter how clever, how noble, how young, how handsome he was. If he has a beautiful face she will say he should be her sister: if swarthy she will declare that Nature, drawing a grotesque painting, made a bad blot: if tall, a badly-tipped spear: if short, a roughly carved agate figure: if speaking, why, a weather vane, blown about wildly by the wind: if silent, a block unmoved by any wind. She turns every man inside out and never grants him the merit he deserves.'

'Yes, yes,' agreed Tulip, 'such carping isn't nice.'

'No, it's not nice to be as perverse and out of step with everyone as Astoria is. But who would dare tell her that? If I tried she would mock me mercilessly. Oh, she would laugh at me till I wouldn't know myself and crush me to death with sarcasm. So let Malfoy die with sighs, like a smothered fire. That would be a better death than to die with mocks, which is just as bad as dying with tickling.'

'But still,' said Tulip, 'I think you should tell her and see what she says.'

'No,' said Theadora. 'I'll go to Malfoy instead, and advise him to fight his passion. And also, I'll make up some innocent faults to brand my cousin with. You don't know how much a bit of slander can poison someone's opinion.'

'Oh don't do that, miss' said Tulip. 'With such a quick and brilliant intelligence as she's supposed to have she can't be so lacking in judgment as to refuse such an exceptional gentleman as Lord Malfoy.'

'He is the most handsome man in England,' said Theadora. 'With the exception of my dear Bas, of course.'

'Please don't be cross with me for speaking my mind, miss Thea' said Tulip. 'For figure, for bearing, intellect and bravery, Lord Malfoy has the highest reputation in England.'

'Oh yes, he has an excellent reputation,' said Theadora.

'And he's earned it,' said Tulip. 'When are you getting married, miss?'

'Why, tomorrow. Come, let's go in. 'We'll go through my dresses and you can advise me which is the best one to wear tomorrow.'

As they walked away Tulip was excited. 'She's trapped,' she said. 'I assure you, we've caught her, miss.'

'If it works out it shows how haphazard love is. Cupid sometimes kills with arrows and sometimes with traps.'

Astoria came out slowly from behind the trellis and sank down on the bench. What fire was in her ears? Could it be true? Did she stand so terribly condemned for pride and scorn? She would bid farewell to contempt and maiden pride. There was nothing to be gained by it. Malfoy! Let him love her, she would requite it and tame her wild heart to his loving hand. If he did love her then the way she was going to treat him from now on would make him propose to her. Everyone said he deserved it and she could see it now and needed no reports about it.

Theadora, Daisy, and Tulip trick Astoria into thinking Draco is in love with her. Astoria decides to "have pity" on Draco by returning his affections.