Much Ado About Nothing [The Wizarding World]

Act 4, Scene 1

The church stood opposite Cepheus' villa. The church yard overlooked a vast expanse of blue sea. It was a place Theadora sometimes came to sit and reflect in silence. She had often imagined the wedding that she would have there one day and now that day had come. The houseguests had assembled and several notables from Lancaster had joined them. As she entered the church with her father she spied her handsome groom standing with the prince at the altar, both splendid in their uniforms. His officer friends sat at the front, also in uniform. Her cousin turned and smiled as she walked up the aisle. Her old friend, Blaise Zabini, beamed his welcome.

'Come, Lord Zabini,' said Cepheus. 'Be brief: just the plain marriage service. You can outline the particular duties of marriage afterwards.'

Theadora took her place beside Bas.

'Have you come here to marry this lady, my lord?' said the friar.

'No!' said Bas sharply.

There was some laughter.

To be married to her,' said Cepheus. 'You've come here to marry her.'

Blaise smiled. He knew something about the sense of humour of these young officers – never knowing where to stop. He looked at Theadora. 'Lady, you've come here to be married to this Lord.'

'I have,' said Theadora.

'If either of you know of any secret impediment why you should not be joined together, I charge you, on your souls, to say so.'

Bas, unsmiling, glared at her. 'Do you know of any, Thea?'

'None, my lord.'

'Do you know of any, your lordship?' said the friar.

'I dare to give his answer,' said Cepheus. 'None.'

Bas turned on him. 'Oh, what men dare do! What men may do! What men daily do, knowing not what they do!'

'What's this,' called Draco. 'Is this a grammar lesson? It's just like the one on laughing in the grammar book.'

Bas' face hadn't changed throughout. 'Stand aside, friar,' he said. 'Old man, do you give me this virgin, your daughter, freely and without conditions?'

'As freely, son, as Gods gave her to me.'

'And what do you want from me in return for this rich and precious gift?'

'Nothing, unless you give her back to me.'

The laughter in the church was tinged with nervousness now.

Bas made a slight bow to his friend. 'Dear prince,' he said. 'you've taught me how to show true gratitude.' He took Theadora's arm roughly and projected her towards her father. 'There, Cepheus,' he said. 'Take her back again. Don't give this rotten orange to your friend: she's only showing the outward signs and appearance of honour. Look how she's blushing like a virgin! Oh, the way cunning sin can cover itself with such a display of conviction and truth! Is that blushing modesty evidence of simple virtue?' He turned and faced the congregation. 'Wouldn't all of you, looking at her now, swear that she is a virgin, judging by these blushes? But she isn't. She knows the heat of a lecherous bed. Her blushes are guilt, not modesty.'

The guests were silent now, watching tensely.

'What are you talking about?' said Cepheus.

'Not being married: not to join my soul with a proven whore,' said Bas.

'My dear lord,' said Cepheus, forcing a smile, 'if you are using this because you have taken advantage of her youth to steal her virginity...'

'I understand what you're saying,' snapped Bas, 'that if I've had her, you will say that she did it because she had embraced me as a husband, so excusing the sin. No, Cepheus, I never tempted her with inappropriate requests, but showed bashful sincerity and becoming love, as a brother would for his sister.'