Much Ado About Nothing [The Wizarding World]

Act 4, Scene 2

The Sexton entered the courtroom, followed by Harry and Ron, all wearing gowns. He sat down at the magistrate's bench and opened his book. The watch brought Winter and Tonkey in.

'Is our whole dissembly appeared?' said Harry.

'Which are the malefactors?' said the sexton.

'Marry, that am I, and my partner,' said Harry.

'Nay, that's certain,' said Ron. 'We have the exhibition to examine.'

'But who are the offenders that have to be examined?' said the sexton. 'Bring them before the master constable.'

Two watchmen pushed Winter and Tonkey forward.

'Yea, marry, let them come before me,' said Harry. 'What is your name, friend?'

'Tonkey.'

Harry turned to the sexton. 'Pray, write down, Tonkey. Yours, sirrah?'

'I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Winter.'

'Write down, master gentleman Winter.' Harry squinted at the two defendants. 'Masters, do you serve God?'
Tonkey and Winter nodded. 'Yes, sir, we hope,' said Tonkey.

Harry raised his hand, 'Write down, that they hope they serve God: and write God first: for God defend but God should go before such villains! Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves: and it will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves?'

'Indeed, sir,' said Winter,' we're not false knaves.'

Harry shook his head and gave the sexton an apologetic look. 'A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you: but I will go about with him.' He marched up to Tonkey, gripped his ear and pulled his head towards him. 'Come you hither, sirrah: a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves.'

Tonkey wrenched himself free. 'Sir, I say to you that we are not.'

'Well, stand aside. 'Fore God, they are both in a tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?'

The sexton put his quill down. 'Master constable, you're not examining them in the right way. You must call the watch, who are their accusers.'

'Yea, marry, that's the eftest way. Let the watch come forth.' Two of the watchmen stepped forward.

'Masters, I charge you, in the prince's name, accuse these men.'

'This man said, sir, that Jamala, the prince's brother, was a villain,' one of the watchmen said.

Harry's eyes opened wide. 'Write down Prince Jamala a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a prince's brother villain.'

'Master constable...' began Tonkey.

Harry took a threatening step towards him. 'Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look, I promise thee.'

'What else did you hear him say?' said the sexton.

'Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Jamala for accusing the Lady Theadora wrongfully.'

'Flat burglary as ever was committed,' said Harry.

'Yea, by mass, that it is,' said Ron.

'What else, fellow?' said the sexton.

'And that Lord van Brakel did mean, upon his words, to disgrace Theadora before the whole assembly and not marry her.'

The master constable showed his shock with a sharp intake of breath. 'O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.'

'What else?' said the sexton.

'This is all,' said the watchman.

The sexton leant forward and looked at them with a severe expression. 'And you can't deny this, masters,' he said. 'Prince Jamala stole away secretly this morning: Theadora was accused and rejected in just this way and, as a result, died suddenly. Master constable, bind these men and bring them to Cepheus'. I'll go ahead and show him their examination.'

When he had gone Harry nodded to a watchman who carried a rope. 'Come, let them be opinioned.'

Ron offered advice to the watchman as he began binding Winter's hands. 'Let them be in the hands...' he began. Winter pushed the watchman away.

'Off coxcomb! He roared.

'God's my life, where's the sexton?' said Harry. 'Let him write down the prince's officer coxcomb. Come, bind them.' He shook his finger at Winter. 'Thou naughty varlet!'

'Get away!' said Winter. 'You are an ass.' He put his hands up to his ears and waggled them at Harry.
'You are an ass.'

'Dost thou not suspect my place?' said Harry. 'Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass: though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer, and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Lancaster, and one that knows the law, go to: and a rich fellow enough, go to: and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!'

The watchmen interrogate Tonkey and Winter. Tonkey confesses that he received money from Jamala for pretending to make love to Theadora.