Much Ado About Nothing [The Wizarding World]

Act 3, Scene 4

It was Theadora's wedding day. She was so confused that she couldn't get her thoughts together. Items of clothing were spread all over the chairs and sofas and she lifted one and then another, flung each one down and sighed. Daisy and Tulip were trying to help her, tidying up after her, keeping things in as much order as they could.

'Good Tulip,' said Theadora, 'go and wake my cousin Astoria and tell her to get up.'

'I'll do that, Miss Thea,' said Tulip.

'And tell her to come here.'

'Right.' She ran off.

Daisy lifted the stiff ornamental collar that Theadora had chosen. 'I really think the other one would be better,' she said.

'No please,' said Theadora, 'I want to wear this one.'

'I'm telling you, it's not as suitable, and I know your cousin will agree.'

'My cousin's a fool, and so are you. I'm going to wear it.'

'I like those new hair extensions very much,' said Daisy,' if they were a touch browner. And your dress is very fashionable, I must say. I saw the Duchess of Manchester's dress that was so much admired.'

'Oh, they say it's wonderful,' said Theadora.

'I swear it's just a dressing-gown compared with yours: cloth of gold and pleats, and silver laces, decorated with pearls, fitted sleeves and ornamental sleeves, and skirts trimmed underneath with a bluish tint. But yours is worth ten of it as far as delicacy, elegance, gracefulness and fashion are concerned.'

'I hope it cheers me up because my heart is heavy,' said Theadora.

Daisy giggled. 'It will soon be even heavier with the weight of a man on it.'

Theadora started to laugh then checked herself. 'Disgusting!' she said. 'Aren't you ashamed?'

'Why? For speaking quite properly? Isn't marriage an honourable thing? Isn't your lord honourable? I think you would rather I had said, 'excuse me, a husband' instead of 'a man'. And bad wording doesn't alter the truth. I wouldn't deliberately offend anyone. Is there any harm in saying 'the heavier for a husband'? No, I don't think so, if it's the right husband and the right wife, otherwise it would be a saucy thing to say. Ask my lady Astoria: here she is.'

'Good morning, coz,' said Theadora.

Astoria wasn't herself. She had obviously lost sleep and when she greeted Hero it wasn't with her usual tomboyish vigour. 'Good morning, sweet Thea,' she said weakly.

'Why, how are you?' said Theadora. 'You seem to be in a sad mood.'

'I think I've run out of all other moods,' said Astoria.

'Let's sing 'Light of love',' said Daisy. 'We can sing that without a male voice. You sing and I'll dance to it.'

'Light of love yourself!' said Astoria. 'You'd kick your heels with any man. And you're likely to get pregnant too.'

'That's not fair,' said Daisy.

'It's almost five o'clock, cousin,' said Astoria. 'You'd better get ready.' She sank down in an armchair. 'I'm telling you, I'm really not well. I wish...'

'For a hawk, a horse or a husband?' said Daisy.

'For the letter that begins them all, H,' said Astoria.

'Well, if you haven't changed your views on love there'll be no more sailing by the Pole star.'

'I wonder what the fool means by that,' said Astoria.

'Nothing,' said Daisy. 'But may Merlin send everyone their heart's desire.'

'These gloves that the count sent me,' said Theadora, 'they smell divine.' She held the gloves under Astoria's nose.

'I'm all stuffed up, cousin. I can't smell them.'

'A maid and stuffed!' Daisy laughed loudly. 'That's a good cold!'

'Oh God help me,' said Astoria. 'Since when have you been a great wit?'

'Ever since you gave it up. Don't you like my sense of humour?'

'We don't see enough of it,' said Astoria. 'You should wear it on your cap. God, I feel sick.'

'Get some of that distillation of Carduus Benedictus,' said Daisy. 'Rub it on your chest. It's the best thing for a sudden sickness.'

Astoria sprang to her feet.

'You said something that pricked her like a thistle,' said Theadora.

'Benedictus! Why Benedictus?' said Astoria. 'Is there a hidden meaning in that Benedictus?'

'Hidden meaning? No, honestly, I don't have any hidden meaning. I meant plain holy thistle. You may perhaps be thinking that I think you're in love. No, by our lady, I'm not such a fool as to think what I like, nor do I like to think what comes into my mind, nor, indeed, I don't think, however much I thought my heart away, that you are in love or ever would be in love or that you could be in love. And yet, Malfoy was another one like that, and now he's grown up. He swore he would never get married, and yet, now, in spite of that he's become calmer. And how you've been converted I don't know, but I think you're beginning to look at things as other women do.'

'What's this nonsense your tongue's running away with?' said Astoria.

Daisy smiled slyly. 'It's not a false gallop.'

Tulip came in breathlessly. 'Miss, come on,' she said. 'The prince, Lord van Brakel, Lord Malfoy, Mister Shafiq, and all the townsfolk have come to take you to church.'

'Help me get dressed, good coz, good Daisy, good Tulip,' said Theadora.

Theadora gets dressed for her wedding, despite a strange foreboding of disaster, and she makes fun of Astoria for her lovestruck demeanor.