Cardinal

Chapter 17 I Need You

Tears formed around her beautiful brown eyes as she watched my emotions shatter in front of her, creating a scene of sadness that nothing could compare to. I wanted to hold her, wrap my arms around her waist and comfort her through anything and everything. I wanted to hold her hand so tight that we'd be permanently stuck together, so that she'd never have to go a moment without me. I stared at her, the light from the sun creating an image from a painting.

"I love you Harrison, I always will. Promise you won't forget it."

***

I jolted up, sweat running down my forehead and tears running down my cheeks. I looked around the dark room, remembering where I was. As the memory of our final moments played in my head, I slowly brought my knees close to my face, letting the sadness from those memories consume me.

"Why did you leave me Mary?" That was the only question I wanted answered. I just wanted her beside me, a simple reminder of the world I once knew. A world in which I was truly happy and didn't have to force my smile so that people wouldn't have to worry. Glancing to the clock that sat on my nightstand, the green lights shining 2:36 Am. Coincidence?

I remember that being the time roughly twelve hours ago, the time she left. I felt my body tense up from seeing the numbers, quickly reaching for my phone. Multiple objects crashed into each other on my nightstand, but I quickly grabbed my phone and swiped up without even checking it. I was hoping for a text from her, maybe a missed call or email, but alas, there wasn't one. Instead, there was a message from someone else.

"Harrison, are you doing okay? I'm worried about you. Ever since this morning, you've seemed kind of upset and before the shift ended, you disappeared, and I didn't have a chance to check on you. I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you and I hope things get better, but just know that I'm here for you. You're... my best friend, the closest thing to one I've ever had. Please text me when you can, I want to help in any way I'm able to."

It was a message from Mallie at 10:12, one that I missed. I sat there silently, staring at the message and wondering to myself how I could respond. Was there even a response to this message that I could formulate? I didn't know. Honestly though, I didn't know anything in those moments.

What I did know was that I was in love with Mary, and now that she was gone, I had nothing but my own grief to bind me together.

"Promise me you won't let her escape from you, even if it's difficult."

Mary's final request from me before I left. A promise that she begged me to keep. I believed her when she said that I needed Mallie and not her, but I still longed for her to be by my side, and I still wished that she were there to talk to me. Silently, I thought of her voice. The longer I thought about her voice, I thought about her and soon zoned out into my own thoughts...

***

"That's a really pretty painting," Mary stated, looking onward at a canvas with different colorful strokes, creating a horizon that looked over an ocean. Within the middle was a bright, orange circle, creating what I assumed to be the sun. A few seconds later, she jolted her head forward, causing the cart she sat in to jolt a little. "Next."

"You barely looked at the painting," I jokingly said, pushing the cart forward.

"I have a short attention span, that doesn't mean it wasn't a pretty painting." She looked back to me with a grin, causing me to smile back at her. Butterflies flew in my stomach and my heart began to beat faster. I smiled back at her, before she turned away and held her phone up. She began a video and started talking into it.

"Mary and Harrison's diary entrée number three. Right now, him and I are exploring the Furniture Finance store, right?" She moved the camera to face me pushing the cart.

"Oh, uh. Yes, I think that's what we're doing." She giggled to herself before lowering the camera, stopping the video.

"Why are you so awkward? It's just me and you."

"That's why I'm so awkward." She paused, shifting her body to face me.

"I'm sorry that I discomfort you." Immediately, I became defensive and nervous.

"No, I didn't mean it like that! It's just... you're the first person that's ever spent time with me like this that's not a family member." As I said this, the creases of her mouth pointed upward.

"I'm glad, because that means you'll remember me." Yeah, I guess it does mean that...

***

Blinking, I snapped back into reality. The cold darkness surrounded me as my mind swarmed with memories of her. I looked down at the phone, swiping the lock screen and entering the messages between Mallie and I. Slowly, I started typing.

"I'm sorry for leaving without saying bye, I just wasn't in a right state of mind, I guess. In all honesty though, I haven't been doing that great. Today was Mary's last day and..."

I paused, looking over what I had written so far. Something about it didn't seem right though, so I deleted most of it and rewrote the message.

"I'm sorry for leaving without saying bye, I just wasn't in a right state of mind. I just... well, I love Mary. I love her voice and I love how beautiful she is. I love..."

She didn't ask me what I loved about her, if I spouted that off then maybe Mallie would be hurt. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, considering the fact that Mary told me to keep her even if it hurts for me to. I had to find a way to explain it to her. As I thought about it, I allowed my fingers to type out the message, allowing my emotions to speak through the tapping of the keys.

"I'm sorry for leaving without saying bye, I just wasn't in a right state of mind. Today was Mary's last day and I didn't know about it until that morning. Before she left though, I got to talk to her. It was... hard for me to stand there and say goodbye, but I knew I couldn't do anything to stop her. I guess now I just miss her and I don't really know what to do. It's as though I'm missing a part of me and I'll never be able to get it back..."

Silently, I pressed the send button before watching as the message loaded. The swirling circle quickly disappeared, signifying that the message was sent. I closed my phone and placed it on my nightstand. From there, I solemnly laid back down and closed my eyes, trying my best to fall asleep. I had work that morning, but I knew there was no way I'd be able to sleep.

With my eyes closed, I tried to feel the sensation of exhaustion, but instead, I was greeted by sadness and loneliness. My breathes felt heavy as I rested my head against my pillow, and my heart seemed empty, as if it wasn't even there. I could feel my body tremble under my covers as I continued to remind myself that I may never see her again. This thought running through my mind, continuing to discomfort me and ruin all sense of joy. Quickly, I jolted up and grabbed my phone.

Swiping upward on the screen, it became muscle memory as I opened the gallery and swiped through the app, looking for the only picture I had of her. Seeing her smile complemented by the yellow dress brought tears to my eyes, tears of joy mixed with the overwhelming feeling of loss. Within seconds, the world around me fell apart as I smiled. A smile so confused and broken that all it could do was sit there, frozen in time. From there, the world went black, and I could feel everything around me going numb...