Cardinal

Chapter 23 My Mistakes

I sat there, silently contemplating over what Nya said the other night when her and I were arguing.

"You don't have Mary and you won't have her anymore because she's gone, she's not going to come back no matter how long you wait for her like a stupid dog!"

"Do you actually believe her, after all of the things that have happened?"

"Mallie doesn't deserve this mess."

She was right, Mallie didn't deserve to go through my romantic drama, and it wasn't right for her to have to suffer alongside me. Lying there, I couldn't help but think about all the rude, jacked up thing's I had said.

"What is so special about Mallie that causes me to have to live through this emotional torment?"

"I know she cares about me more than any other guy here but that doesn't matter to me!"

"I mean, yeah... She lives in my heart."

Silently, I laid there, thinking to myself about how petty and selfish I was. The weight of the blankets did little to comfort me as I thought about all the times Mallie and I spent together alongside the days Mary and I would talk. As I thought about them, instead of the natural smile that seemed to form across my face from thinking about them, a slight frown formed, continuing to grow. These moments that played in my head without any reason other than to further remind me of my mistakes...

"YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO HAVE FUN!!" she stated ecstatically as I jumped back. "I'm sorry, did I scare you?"

"Oh no, I was just startled," I said, before feeling a strange sense of relief.

"Why is your hair always so messy?!" she asked as I leaned away from her grabbing hands.

"I don't know, it just naturally looks like this." I explained, before smiling and laughing with her. She smiled widely before speaking softly again.

"It makes you look cute Harrison, don't get rid of it," she stated, blushing as she did.

"Thank you, Harrison. For everything," she softly stated, as I silently smiled.

"It doesn't have to be complete in order for it to be beautiful."

"Hey Harrison!" I turned back towards her, carrying the pillowcase and mask as I stood in her front yard.

"Yes?" A smile gently formed across her face as she nervously stood at the doorway.

"Thank you for listening to my song. It means a lot to me that you were able to enjoy it."

Quietly, I sat up and looked over to my nightstand, seeing my poem book lying alone in the darkness. Grabbing it, I quietly walked over to my desk, plopping my body down in the chair as I turned the desk lamp on. From there, I grabbed a pencil and turned to an empty page...

"Mallie, that was beautiful." Her smile grew wider as she began to blush harder.

"It wasn't that great, thank you though."

"No, it was!" I forwarded, before scooting closer to her. "It was good, I mean it."

"I love you." I stared at her nervously.

"As a friend, I know..."

"No, I love you."

"I would kiss you, but my first kiss has already been taken away and I don't want to take yours when I know I'm not going to be your destiny."

I quietly watched the song play on my screen, Mallie's beauty gently grazing across the guitar as she played the song. Somehow, she seemed to be fixing the broken piece.

Gently, I began writing...

I watch her leave my arms

As she moves to the dark

In which I sit here freezing

Left cold and wondering

What did I do wrong?

Was it not a good song?

Did I push too far?

To try and feel her heart

Was I too much to handle?

If so, I'll fix our gamble

Between our simple relationship

That we've pushed to try and fix

In order to create an opportunity

Between our life's vulnerability

So now I return to where I sit

Wondering if you'll come back

And hopefully we can fix this

Because I don't want our life to turn black...

Silently, I looked over the poem. I changed a few words, but for the most part, it was complete. In all honesty though, I couldn't remember my thoughts as I wrote the poem. Instead, I was left in pure wonder yet confusion on how I wrote a poem like this without thinking of anything. My wonder slowly faded though, as the thought of my mistakes slowly came back.

I knew I wasn't going to sleep well tonight, but quietly, I shut the desk lamp off and laid back down. I stared at the wall through the night, continuing to wander in my own self-loathing....