Deception - H.S

Chapter 32

Trigger warning: spicy time?

Hope Whitlock

Once we arrived at the house, everyone was eating downstairs while watching TV or doing their own thing while I took my leftover fries and coffee to my bedroom. I put on a random show on Netflix to try and tire myself into sleeping,

It is often difficult to sleep after one of my... episodes, but I manage to do so. This time it feels different, I feel afraid just by the mere thought of having to go through it all again, this time it is affecting me more than it ever has before, it is almost as if every dream is more real than the previous one. They started when I was little but eventually stopped by something that I don't even remember because I was not old enough to remember things properly. They started at a much higher intensity after my dad died when I was fifteen, he was shot right in front of me.

I remember the first time I had an episode, I thought I was dying, I wanted to scream for my dad but I couldn't because I was paralyzed and I was so scared because I had just woken up from a nightmare. I told my dad about it and he thought I was making it up at first but eventually believed me when I was afraid to sleep alone.

It was then that I realized that I didn't want anyone to see me like that, I hated the feeling I got in those moments and if someone else saw me like that, they would be afraid of me, see me differently and that doesn't sit right with someone who is a people pleaser.

So, I lived through them alone, dealing with them in my own way when I grew up because I didn't know what to do and I was more focused on not being a burden on my grandma with the passing of my dad to deal with my problems, I pushed them away and I have been doing that ever since. No one understands it though, they don't get what it feels like.

Reliving the same day over and over again in a constant loop, without a way out, without an escape, without anyone to truly understand what this endless torture feels like, not to forget the extreme fatigue, the emotional drain and the lack of motivation to do anything. There were days when I had to be physically dragged out of bed and sent out just so I could get some fresh air. This is why I started ignoring things and pushing them away to carry on with life, it is unhealthy as fuck but without it, I would not be where I am right now.

I twist and turn in my temporary bed, hoping I could at least get a couple hours of sleep but it is impossible, every time I close my eyes, the nightmare replays and I am forced to open my eyes to picture anything but that.

I tip toe out of my room after grabbing my wallet and phone, going downstairs and picking up Niall's keys from the table beside the door and leave the house, a wild idea running though my head to stop my vicious thoughts. I unlock the car and get into the driver's seat, adjusting it along with the rear-view mirror so I am comfortable.

Turning on the ignition, I connect my phone to the car via Bluetooth, clicking on my 'Rush' playlist as I back out of the driveway. I have absolutely no idea where I am going, being as unfamiliar with the roads as a tourist but still driving at 3 am to rid myself of my thoughts.

I start singing to my playlist as it plays songs that give me pure serotonin, taking lefts and rights until I reach the main road that looks like it goes straight for kilometers with no cars in sight for as far as I can see.

I start pressing the accelerator harder, increasing my speed as I let the adrenaline release into my blood, feeling a high unlike any other. The faster I go, the wider my smile becomes, no stops, no fears, no boundaries.

I drive for a few kilometers at a really high speed, feeling the adrenaline rush, the temporary feeling of being free. I open the sunroof of Niall's Range Rover, letting the wind in while the music is blaring out into the air, if this was a convertible, I'd stand up just for a second to make this moment even better than it already is.