Deception - H.S

Chapter 76

This turned into a double update

Trigger warning – panic attack and self harm

I just want to mention once again that if these topics are triggering to you please do not read this chapter. You are way more important. If needed, I will write a summary for you and send it personally :)

Harry Styles

I was the sole person aware of how fucking hard it is to avoid that plunging pang in your chest, the rapid breathing that takes over you and the complete and utter helpless feeling when you feel that panic attack coming over. The discomfort was taking over me in huge waves, crashing over me every few minutes and those waves were only getting more frequent the longer I was sitting in this car and driving. The air around me was suffocating, my vision getting blurry for a few seconds at a time – everything was making it harder to focus on driving.

Even with the warmth of Hope's thigh underneath my right palm, the feelings remained. This was hitting me the hardest it has ever and the one thing that made me hold it off was the thought of Hope seeing me at my absolute worst.

Fucking... test of my patience...

Ever since that man spoke those words to me, the heaviness took over my chest, pushing against me harder and harder to the point I couldn't breathe. I didn't sleep, not even with Hope in my arms which just shows how bad this was.

I don't even remember the trip to the penthouse.

Claiming one of the rooms, I locked myself in it. My hands were gripping at the back of my neck, begging my mind for mercy as I pinched my eyes shut in an attempt to breathe calmly.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Sweat coated my hairline and neck as my mind decided to remind me of the mental and physical pain from my past. My heart was slamming against my chest, lungs felt like they were flooding with a dense substance.

The tight feeling at the back of my throat got worse, my legs started to pace the room with my fists pulling on my roots to feel something other than the pure anxiety that was flooding my mind. My limbs were slowly starting to feel heavy and fatigued even though I had done nothing yet to exert them, the frustration and anger building up, waiting for this to subside. I pull my shoes off and throw them against the window on my left, looking for more things to distract me.

I rest my forehead against the cool wall, forming a circle with my lips to exhale sharply but that only made it worse somehow. I banged my head against the wall. Once. Twice. Thrice. All that did was add to the pounding ache in my skull instead of creating that distraction that I was aiming for.

I slid down the wall and started banging my head against the wall harder, pinching my eyes shut painfully. Maybe if I just tire myself enough or pass out this excruciating feeling would go away. The room was feeling a lot more suffocating, like there wasn't enough air left for me to breathe. No matter how hard I tried, the familiar yet foreign voice in my head wouldn't stop.

My skin was tingling with hot flashes, my breathing getting even worse. I felt like a prisoner in my own flesh and mind with no control over anything – neither my limbs nor my mind was giving me that control that we should have, taking over my body and consuming it with everything I fear.

This is what you did.

That disgusting voice speaks, my mind tricking me into believing that I could hear the high pitch and the angry tone as if it was happening right in this room. I cringe at the sound, slapping my hands against my ears to get the voice to stop but it wouldn't because it was in my head. It's not real.