Deception - H.S

Epilogue

This isn't a goodbye, my love, it's the beginning of something else...

One of my initial thoughts about you when I figured I was fucked is when I thought about how my perspective about him was changing somehow and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I really wanted to get a drink but I couldn't bring myself to enter a bar. It was something that I had to get over myself, the sense of security I once felt was long gone but if I didn't bring myself to go ahead and live my life, no one else would. You were the one who helped me get over that fear and feel safe again. You helped me in ways I cannot express in words and cannot be thankful enough for.

You made me physically feel things I haven't before which was so scary and new. My past, my exes, everyone has treated me in ways that I now realize is wrong. That's because you showed me what I truly deserve and how I should be treated. You changed my perspective about myself and made me love myself again.

That time when I got stuck in a bunch of cords and you helped me? I wanted to kiss you at that moment, your pink lips looked so inviting and your emerald green eyes felt like gasoline to the fire burning inside me, telling me to risk it all just for one taste of your lips. I knew you were dangerous, I knew you were mean and rude and wanted to hurt me but I was completely in awe of you. You were always so irresistible.

Even when I thought I was going to die that day when I found you in the tour bus, even when I witnessed you take someones life right in front of my eyes, I found you irresistible. Despite everything you had done and what you claimed to be, I fell in love with you, I fell in love with the side that you keep hidden from the world.

I didn't want anyone but you. Being with anyone else felt wrong. I realized that when I went out with Jace. He kissed me and I felt horrible about it. It felt wrong, in more ways than I could understand. He was one of the nicest people around me, treating me like a human with emotions, caring about me in ways that made me realize how I should be treated but he felt wrong.

When I was around you though, there was always this anticipation but it was never in a way where I thought you would hurt me once I got over the initial fear. I remember thinking to myself, Is it bad that he was dangerous, yet I was willing to risk it all? When I was anxious, you let me smoke, made it easier for me when I failed, were being nice to me and I didn't know what it all meant.

Things between us were so back and forth, you pulled me closer and then pushed me away but I think that only made me want to be around you more and get to know the real you. I couldn't bear the thought of anything bad happening. You had hurt me more than most yet every part of me wanted you to be okay.

I wanted to help you, I care so much for you I had no power over you and that was okay, Harry because I was sure the next 6 months were going to teach me a lot of things and they did... I found out a lot about myself, my history but also learned how to have fun, fell in love with the most beautiful person and grew as a person strong enough to be proud of.

Everyone saw you as this cruel, evil person because that is what you portrayed yourself as to the world. They never got to see the side of you that I did, even you didn't believe that side of you existed. You struggled to do something so simple as lighting a cigarette but you never left my hand, not even for a second. You were anything but cold-hearted and I wanted to make you believe that.

That unbearable urge to kiss you, to know what it feels like to touch your lips... all that buildup and tension... it all poured into our first kiss. Your lips... they felt like they were made just for me and they might be because I was the only one who ever got a taste. The moments our lips collided; it was pure electricity. It was unlike any other kiss I have shared or I will ever share with another person. You always made everything better and little by little the ache was fading, it wouldn't go away because trauma always finds a way to stick but I hurt less when I was around you. I was sure that I would heal, that those cracks and creases would mend somehow since I would always have you. Always... our always was supposed to end in about four months. It was so fucking scary, Harry. The possibility of losing you is the worst fear possible. You were my peace amidst the chaos.