Deception - H.S

Chapter 85

Trigger warning – mentions of  SA, suicide, self harm, grief, death

The song in this chapter can be very triggering, please please skip it if self harm and themes of suicide may be triggering to you. I have listened to it only once and loved it but it also made me cry and I didn't have it in me to listen to it again without crying. Also the themes following the song may be triggering (although I have tried to be as inexplicit as I could be) so please lmk if you need a summary <3 

Harry Styles

I loved lavenders now, I think they are the most beautiful flowers to exist.

What I have with Hope is something that I cannot fathom with anybody else. Yes, I have fucked people but what I felt in that lavender field, the rush, the intensity of emotions between us, I have to admit, I have never had such a strong orgasm and definitely never came that hard – it was like a fucking out of world experience, where my soul had floated away for a few moments.

When Hope suggested that we do it raw, I thought she was kidding. Never had I imagined sharing such a moment with her yet we did and it was the best experience of my life. I tried to make sense of it, of why I felt the way that I did and related it to when Hope explained to me how emotions play a role in sex. There were surely a lot of them since I had told her every detail about my childhood, some of the details even Kiara didn't know. I trusted Hope with everything I had, however, there were still things I hid from her.

Maybe there was also the fact that I believe I love her, this is what love should feel like but if this is it, it isn't enough for me. I felt so much more for her, the word 'love' doesn't justify even an ounce of my feelings.

I surprised myself by enjoying soft sex more than I ever enjoyed a rough fuck, I didn't think I was capable of it. We both were in a euphoric state throughout the experience. I wonder how Hope truly felt. I knew she was concerned for me, of how I was doing after last night since I cried for the first time since I was a child.

She thought it was because she blamed me for what happened, because of her words that were spoken just before she ran upstairs but it wasn't that. Her anger is fully justified. What hit me was seeing her so broken and seeing what Rex had done to her, it was my fault, he did that to her because she is important to me. I was the problem here but I am also selfish to let her go. When Hope turned her back on me, that triggered everything to the surface and burst in the form of tears. I had genuinely believed that she didn't want anything to do with me after that, yet here she was sitting in the passenger seat of my car with my hand resting on her thigh.

We were about an hour from the hotel now and I could basically feel Hope's anxiousness, I wasn't sure about what is the cause, the fact that we were expecting another note from her stalker or the sex. We were staying at the penthouse on top of a casino, it was better if we were all living together for the sake of Hope's safety.

"Okay, why are you so anxious?" I finally ask when Hope starts to twist her rings in a nervous tic.

"I'm not..." She pinched her bottom lip between her fingers, running her other hand through her hair.

"Okay Miss shit liar." I rolled my eyes.

For the first time in my life, I know what it's like to be happy. This is why I can never tell the truth about Hope's dad to her. Once I went over his file, one that I hadn't thought about in five years except for a tiny detail from that time that claws its way in, I fully understood why I tried to hate Hope so bad.

She made me feel vulnerable, that smile I witnessed of Hope when she was only fifteen years old made me hate myself because I was going to be the one to take it away.