𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓶

𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 𝒾 𝓌𝒾𝓈𝒽 𝒾 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝓈𝒶𝓎

it hasn't been all that long since we last spoke
it wasn't a nice talk, though
i know you had good intentions
but
you worded them too poorly
it hurt.
we both said some things to each other
some words said probably felt like rubbing salt on the newly opened wound
yet
you seem fine
why is it that you left
so i could "better myself"
when you said you'd always be there
you
the only person i could ever open up to
about anything
the only person who i thought
would stay by my side no matter how bad
my mental illnesses got
oh god how i was so wrong
"-to better yourself"
"i need you to be able to care about your life"
"-to want to live another day"
why is it my fault
my fault that i can't just get better
my fault that i don't want to be alive
not even that i don't want to be alive
i'm just not happy
and i wanna be
but i can't
you were helping, slowly but you were
then all that effort
all the hours i spent trying to be happy
for you
gone
all fucking wasted
because you decided
with a phone call
at 10 pm on a saturday night
that we shouldn't speak anymore
then sent a follow up text
saying i needed help.
all the shattered memories and blurry pictures of us just send waves of hurt through my heart
hurt, and anger
because how dare you
out of anyone it should've been you who understood me enough
to not leave
you out of anyone should have known what that does to someone
like me
even knowing how many people have done this before
and how hurt i was then
how could you do that
knowing how fucking in love with you i was
knowing how much trust i had in you
and how long we'd known each other
but i guess that doesn't matter anymore
my mom said you were being selfish
my "best friend" seemed to take your side
i felt betrayed
a bit
but overall
you were selfish
and the fact that you haven't even tried to talk things out again to maybe see if we could
figure something else out
proves how much effort you were willing to put in
to keep a friendship
to keep a person i thought you cared about
god damn i miss you
a hell of a lot
i cant admit that
not now at least
i thought maybe you'd check up on me after you found out how shitty i was doing
i was expecting a text saying something like
hey, how're you feeling?
or maybe
i'm sorry
but no
my expectations of you were too high
you can send me a picture of your wall
but can't show human decency to ask
if i'm even doing relatively okay
which i'm not, by the way
i don't want to blame you
but i do
why?
i don't really know
maybe because we were great
until i stopped acting happy around you
like i do everyone else
because i wanted to vent
and then all of a sudden
you left
and i was helpless
and you couldn't stay with someone so depressed
and i felt so alone
now i have nobody i can talk to
about my problems
but hey
i'm getting put on meds now
so maybe i'll be fine
i doubt it
at least you're happy though, right?
it's always about you
and how i'm too much
this is why i never wanted to talk to anyone about my feelings
about my problems
but you were always there
so i took the opportunity
and locked away my trust issues and fear of abandonment
just to get shut down
it hurt
a lot
it still does
but the pain is starting to fade
i don't feel much now
it's better than feeling what i felt
but if i told you all of this
all the things i wish i could say
you wouldn't stay
you'd go farther away
and i'd never see you again
i hope you can stay okay
and find your own happiness
but also
fuck you