Please love me more than I hate myself||Hyunchan ff

14

It was currently 3am in the morning, Hyunjiin was laying in his bed, turning from one to the other side, trying to find peace in his mind. His stomach was hurting so much it felt like it was eating itself.
The last weeks everything got worse. After the big incident, where he just collapsed in school, he thought, that maybe everything would get better, but no. He felt lonelier than ever, as if everything bright has left his life.
The first thing that happened was one of the worst. Changbin had moved out. Now he is living with Felix, Minho, Han and Seungmin. The reason for that is, that he and their mother had a huge argument, that ended with a slap in the face by their mother. She had never done that before. But it seems like, the moment their father had left, he had taken a piece of his ex-wive with him.
A shiver went down Hyunjins spine, as the memories came back
*slap*
A muffled cry. Hyunjin in his bedroom, under his blanket, sobbing and hoping that everything would come to an end. Changbin in the kitchen, a red mark wich covers his face. In front of him his mother.
Some minutes later, Hyunjin hears the door to his bedroom opening. He is afraid, if it's his mother.
„Hyunjin? It's me Changbin. I'm gonna sit down onto your bed ok?" The younger heard that Changbin had cried. He lifted the blanket up to see a crying Hyunjin laying there, frightened.
„I-Innie? I-I'mmm s-so sor-ry." Changbin started crying again.
„B-but...I...I'll leave you." now he broke down and the younger was completely stressed. What?!
„I-I can't stay in this house. Mom let's all her anger out on me. I-I can't take it anymore. Please forgive me..."
„B-but where are you going?" a slightly bit of panic in Hyunjins voice.
„I called Felix. I'm gonna stay with them. I'm really sorry, but I can't take it anymore. And she isn't harsh at all on you, so I hope it will be okay. But if not, and she does anything that hurts you in any way, tell ne. Promise me that!" the elder extended his pinky. Hyunjin, who could completely understand him did the same.
„Promise."
Three weeks after, Hyunjin had broken the promise. He barely saw Changbin in school, because the elder had a lot of stress.
Now that Changbin isn't living with him anymore, his mother had started the blame him for everything. The only thing they do is arguing. She was just stressed was the excuse Hyunjin made up to apologize for her actions
Her words had cut deep. So deep, that the scars would never fade away.
But even then, Hyunjin hadn't lost hope, till he came to school the next day.
„Hey guys!" he greeted Felix, Han and Seungmin.
But he got no reply, just sad faces looking at him.
„Whats going on?"
Felix was the one to talk
„Minho just called us. He brings Chan to the airport. His grandmother, in Australia, isn't doing so well and he will stay there for a month." he finished and Hyunjins mind went blank...
Nobody is there for him. Everyone is leaving him. He let out a small sob.
He grabbed his handy to distract himself and opened a new app. It was a calorie tracker app. He checked his intake for today.
1342cal.
Too much. Fuck!
Why did he ate so much?
Why couldn't he be thin like everyone else?
Why was everybody leaving him?
Why did nobody love him?
Why was he such a failure?
Why couldn't he do anything right?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
A loud sob escaped his mouth but nobody was there to hear it. So he just let the tears flow closed his eyes and just laid there on the bed crying and sweating with never stopping thoughts.
After he had calmed down, he grabbed his phone again to open insta. He had found out, how to make a fake account. Now he had a normal insta account and a second one with a fake email where he followed all these accounts, that posted thinspo and their daily calorie intake. He went through the stories, and with that he finally fell asleep...

„Hyunjin? Wake up we have school." Jenogin was shaking his older brother trying to wake him up. Hyunjin slowly opened his eyes and indicated Jeongin that he was awake.
After eating a rice cake for breakfast he left the house and took his bike to school. The thing where he always felt judged in public had also gotten worse, so now he can't even take the bus anymore. It was just too much stress for him.

He walked through his classes, without raising his hand even once. Even tho he knew most of the answers to the questions from the teachers and even tho he had done his homework he couldn't move himself to say something. He was too scared people would talk about him.
During lunch, he and Felix sat down in an empty classroom. There were some other people, at their same age. Everyone was eating, except for Hyunjin. He was drinking Monster. Another habit he had picked up. Drinking zero calorie energy drinks. They let him stay awake even tho he only sleeps 5 hours a night and they keep him from eating.
The next subject he would have was history and he still had some homework to do. So he took out his earphones, book and a piece of paper. Then he started his music and began to write down something...
When he had just finished his last sentence he felt somebody tapping onto his shoulder. He looked up and saw Felix standing there.
„Come on Hyunjin, class is about to start. Have you finished your homework?"
„Yeah..." he packed up his stuff and walked to his next class, just to sit there, and continue like before...
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Hey guys
I'm finally back! I'm so sorry, but I haven't been doing so well, so I needed some time off. Anygays,  I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and that y'all are okay :)
Idk if anybody wants to know, but I decided to talk to one of my teachers about my eating problem( I have actually no idea if I even have a problem with my eating habits but yeah) has anyone of you ever done that? If so how did it go? I'm kinda nervous about it 😅
Love y'all <3
C🌻