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It's been three days since Rakim's funeral and I actually feel a little better. Yeah, I know that sounds crazy. But there's something about funerals, they just put the stamp on something that I already knew. Rakim is gone and there is nothing I can do to get him back. Yes it hurts, but I feel at peace knowing that he has a son the way. At first when I watched his goodbye video, I felt a little guilt. But I can't blame myself for the rest of my life, I did and still do love Rakim. We just didn't work out in a relationship.
"What you doing?" Jordan asked laying Xia in her bed.
"I'm going through her clothes she can't fit anymore.. they're just taking up space." I mumbled.
Jordan looked at me and nodded. He sat down in the chair next to Xia and watched her as she slept peacefully.
"I feel like she sleeps more than the average one year old." He whispered.
"She's supposed to have two naps in a day, but she's not in daycare right now. So she just takes one long one." I say shrugging my shoulders.
"Mm I guess." Jordan sighed.
We both got quiet, soon the sound of a vacuum cleaner was coming through the door. Jordan got concerned about Xia waking up because he went to close the door.
"Why is she cleaning so much?" He asked referring to Ryan.
"She's nesting." I tell him. "When women are close to their due date, they tend to clean and prepare they're home. I have no problem with her cleaning up." I laugh softly.
"This is a nice thing you're doing." Jordan said smiling.
"It's the right thing to do." I say closing Xia's shirt drawer. "Motherhood is already challenging, nobody should have to do it alone. Especially when she's grieving."
"You're grieving too." Jordan reminded me.
"Yea but I'm a little more in control of my emotions. She's not. She's pregnant and hormonal." I tell Jordan.
"Come here." Jordan said patting his lap like it was an empty seat.
I stood up and walked over to him. Xia's clothes could use a little more organizing but I guess I'll take a break. Jordan grabbed my hand and sat me down on his lap. I put my legs over his and laid my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my body and we both looked at Xia as she moved carefully in her sleep.
"You've been moving around lately, I haven't been able to grab you and ask how you're feeling.." Jordan stayed with his hand on my side.
"I never imagined life without Rakim. Even on a friendship level. Yeah he was a shitty boyfriend but I still loved him, ya know?"
"I know you loved him. That feeling just doesn't go away because you lose someone. If anything it becomes stronger." Jordan told me.
Jordan's words made me smile. He's always so understanding and he's never rushing me to get over Rakim no matter what the situation it. He's just trying poody patient. I haven't talked to my dad a lot during all of this. It's been tough for him too, losing Rakim, that was like another one of his sons. He never liked that fact that Rakim and I dated or that I be gave him my virginity, but my dad still loved him like a son. Just like my mom did too.
