Until US

Chapter 29

Team was rushing out of the bed, collecting his clothes, while Araya was watching him, confused and worried. He was about to put on his jeans when he felt Araya's warm hand on his shoulder. "Team? Did I do something wrong? What happened?" she asked worriedly.  "I thought..I thought you want it, too" she asked while trying to cover her naked body with the blanket. Team looked at her with guilt in his eyes. "I..I am sorry. I..I can't do this" he apologized studdering. "But why not? What's the problem?" Araya asked softly, her hand still on his upper arm. "I..I don't know. I think..I am not ready yet. I..I totally forgot that we have swim training in half an hour. I have to go." Without looking at her Team ran out of the room, leaving Araya confused.

"What's wrong with me?" Team asked himself when he was sitting in his car in the parking lot. "Why couldn't I just sleep with her? It's not like I am a virgin. But..why did I see his face when I kissed her? Damn!! Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't I let go of him?! Why does it hurt so bad that he is no longer here? And why did you leave me, Hia?" Team was sitting in his car and started crying. He cried because of all the memories he had about him and Win. When he was touching Araya, he thought about Win touching him. When he kissed Araya, he thought about Win kissing him. He thought about his warm and large hands which were stroking him everywhere. He thought about his beautiful lips and how much he wanted to know what it would be like to feel them on his. He thought about Win's voice, whispering sweet nothings into his ear as he always did to calm him down when he had a nightmare. He cried and cried, because this was the moment when he realized, that he won't be able to love Araya as much as he loved Win. He loved him. More than anything in the world. But it was too late. Win was gone and he took everything of Team with him..his love, his heart, his hope, his happiness..everything.  "I hate you Win!! I hate you for leaving me! I hate you for being so kind to everybody! I hate you for making me fall for you and I hate myself for loving you so much, that it almost kills me!"

Pharm was sitting on his bed, trying to concentrate on his math homework when he heard a knock on his door. He took a look at the clock. It was almost 11. Who could that be? he thought and got up to open the door. Pharm was surprised when he saw his best friend standing on the other side of the door. "Team? What are you doing here?" he asked. "Can I come in?" Team asked. "Sure," Pharm said and let his friend in. Team did not look good. His face was pale and his hair was a mess. "Team, what happened?" For what felt like entirety Pharm and Team were sitting on Pharm's bed. Team was facing the ground, not looking at his friend. No one said anything. Pharm wanted to ask him what happened. Why he looked so awful and why he wasn't in his room, sleeping, but he did not dare to ask but waited for his friend to speak.

After some time, Team was finally ready to open his mouth and speak to Pharm. "Yesterday..I..I almost slept with Araya" he confessed, without looking at Pharm. "Why didn't you?" he asked softly, waiting for his best friend to answer. "I don't know. We were making out in bed. I could feel that she wanted it and..I thought it was the right thing to do, besides we are gonna get married and..we will have sex with each other on our wedding night..but..when we were laying in bed..and taking each other's clothes off......she wanted it so bad..but I just..I couldn't" Team explained. "I don't know why. She is smart, nice, funny and so pretty. And she really likes me. I have never dreamed of a girl falling in love with me. Araya is everything a man like me could dream of. But.." "She is not him" Pharm ended Team's thought. His heart started beating faster in his chest and he looked up at his best friend with a shocked expression on his face. "I don't know who you are talking about," Team said, without facing him. "Team, could it be, that you can't get intimate with Araya..because of your feelings for Win?" Pharm asked so softly, afraid of hurting his best friend. Team's heart skipped a beat when he heard his name.  "Pharm..I..I am sorry for bothering you. I think I should go. Thank you and sorry again" Team said and wanted to run out of the room, but Pharm held him back. "Team? Am I right? Is it because of your feelings for Win?" Pharm tried again. Team freed himself out of his grip, trying to prevent the tears from falling down. "What does it matter?! Win is gone and Araya and I are gonna get married. She is my future. And I don't think this has anything to do with him. He is in New York..with his girlfriend. What does it matter if I had feelings for him?! I am with Araya, we are engaged. Araya likes me..and I won't hurt her feelings because of a man who does not care about me! A man who even fled into another country just to get away from me!" Pharm could see some tears building in Team's eyes while he spoke. "Oh, Team" he said softly. "His girlfriend is so much better than me. So much prettier and they look so good together. I am nothing compared to her. I am just.." Pharm was looking at Team while he kept crying. "So we were right. You do have feelings for Win" the boy said gently while rubbing Team's back, letting him cry his shoulder. "I don't know how this could have happened. We had been friends for so long. But suddenly my feelings changed. Since he is gone I can't stop thinking about him, missing him. I even dream about him. I know I have to forget him. Win is gone and..he..he is happy in New York and I don't want to keep him from living his dream. He had always dreamed of living abroad. I don't want him to know, that I miss him so much it makes me crazy. I don't want him to feel guilty about not returning my feelings. I want to forget him. I want to forget everything about him." "And you think marrying Araya will help you forget him?" Pharm asked his best friend incredulously. "I want to forget him. And this marriage is my chance. Please Pharm..promise me you won't tell anyone. Please, promise me. Especially not Dean. I am begging you..as my best friend. Please..promise me not to tell anyone."