it's not heavy like 25 kilos of rice, it is not painful as the stab of a knife, it's not hard as the exams but it is unpredictable. Feelings of attacks are not recognizable it's just there luring around your body that makes you weak and invisible in your own world.
I keep fighting for people just to make me live a normal life. For now, I am fighting for others, not for myself. What's wrong? just to have my freedom. If I keep my weakness, if I keep my struggles and hide my attacks just to prevent my switching is making my life easier outside of the real world, I will take the risk. How? people will not be irritated, people will not disturb, they will not put effort into you if you keep yourself. You will only have your freedom, do what you want to do and tell everything you want if you are just simple and easy to be with.
It is a wrong decision for me to tell and show people whats my weakness because that is the most hurtful truth I do. "they can't keep me anymore."
I perfect to lie, to hide, pretend to smile, and be happy. I can be an award-winning actress of course. To all people who are still living until now despite your hardships in your life, I salute you.
I don't want to pretend it is freaking tiring. I don't want responsibility because I am already tired, but what else I can do today than fight? nothing, because I know long ago I am tied to my destiny to conquer all of this problem.
to the person who is reading this, I hope you are still fine. I know you don't know my struggles, I know you don't feel my pain, because no one can measure one's pain.
I decide to end my life long ago, but I ask myself why? because I am tired. And if I die? do I clean my name? Did I prove myself that I am hurt? Does it end? no, it is still there, the memories are still there, it's still bleeding. My soul is still aching and burdened.
the most painful thing to ask is when? when will this end?
I am tired honestly, I am full of myself. I don't want to beg. but I want to please people to notice, listen to my story but how? we shouldn't expect people to understand us no one. No one will understand because, even you! even you, I know you don't know what to do about your problems so you want someone to warm you and share your feelings too. You tell advice to others but the words you used are the words you wish you can do, you tell it to somebody trying that it may suit them.
You are a user then.
