Thoughts of a Teenage Mosaic

Rabbit Hole

I remember when I asked you questions about what was going on in your head. And you would avoid every single one, even though no wrong answers could have been said.

You didn't have a favorite color, or show, or anything that would make you your own. It was always games and lies, and tricks that I pretended weren't red flags.

I can't believe I've been here for 10 years. And I don't know who you are or who you were back then. The only thing that I knew about you that was always true- is that you made a mess with every person around you.

All anyone ever said was that you were young and naive. So you got away with treating your world like a game. Where people were all awful if they didn't choose to play.

And I choose to go down that rabbit hole a million times in a row. It didn't matter how many times or lies as long as I was able to pretend that it was a part of me learning to grow.

Everytime after I psychoanalyzed you I would see myself in the wrong. Because you were bad but I was worse for excepting you to grow. I never wanted to be the person who blamed people for things that were out of their control. Your mental state is a question that I've been dissecting for as longer than I would like to admit. But you were so complex and hard to read; I don't know if it really mattered in the end.

After all the years and tears how am I still nowhere close to understanding you. Especially when there were times when you were the person that I loved the most.

You couldn't name a hobby, or interest, or anything that made you your own. How have I had a decade of feelings for someone that I to this day have never known. And I honestly can't tell you a real thing about you that everyone hasn't already seen. So why did it hurt when you woke up one day and decided to leave.

I never knew you. But I knew that the love that I had for you was always real. But you burned our bridge for the thousandth time and then left the ashes for me to clean.

And I'm stuck in that limbo, where it's fine until I see you again. Because I'll see you with the people that you decided were more important to build a bridge with instead. There was always someone else who was your number one when it wasn't me. Because nobody was worth it to you once you learned that it was easier to pretend like you never cared about someone instead of meaning an apology.

We've had a million problems before, now it feels like your really gone.

From the start you called the shots but said the one in control was always me. How did I not see that obviously there was only one way this would end. With you walking away; with all the power at play, and choosing someone new to do this to instead.