✺ 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 ✺- Josh Kiszka

Part 4

"No, well, I don't have romantic feelings for him", I corrected. "I just think of him as more of a friend now, I think. I don't know."

Violet just looked at me smiling, clearly amused at my feeble attempts to fix what I said.

"Don't look at me like that. I don't know why I worded it like that. I've barely talked to him, let alone had time to decide what kind of a person he is."

"You know that's how crushes work, right?" Violet replied, "You don't have to know them down to their core. You find him good looking, and he gives you attention. That's really all anyone needs to develop a crush."

"Ew, please don't say that."

"Say what?" she replied.

"That I 'find him good looking' or 'have a crush on him.'

"Why not?" she laughed, probably confused at my dislike of her wording.

"It just sounds like too much work. This is why I don't have crushes. You become obsessed with it to a point where too many of the decisions you make are solely based on that person. Your entire mood can be based on how they treat you or their actions. And God forbid they don't like you back or get into a relationship during the crush period, and you have to deal with that feeling of rejection until you can move on. But you never really move on. You just pine for them from a distance, letting the feelings die down after a while."

Violet stared at me for a second before replying sarcastically, "Wow, it seems like you have a lot of pent up rage at the idea of crush culture. Do you wish to continue, or should I schedule your next therapy session for you?"

"I hate you," I replied

"No, you don't." she quipped. "But seriously, you don't find the idea of you finally having a crush again even a little fun? Like I think it's probably been almost two years since your last."

"Thanks for reminding me," I remarked with a smirk.

"I'm not trying to be mean. I just think it's exciting. And for the record, I've known Josh for a while, and he's a really genuine guy. He wouldn't ever lead you on or do those dicky things other guys have done to you in the past. Because I know you think I don't know, but I do know. You're scared of relationships because of the things guys have done in the past. Cheating, randomly give you the cold shoulder, just overall being verbally and mentally abusive? You're scared of that happening again, whether you admit it or not."

Damn it, she's right.

I just stare down at the blankets on the bed.

"It's ok to be scared of those things, but you can't deny your feelings for someone until they just disappear over and over again. It can't be healthy. And I promise you, I wouldn't be saying this if I had even the slightest inclination to think Josh has any bad intentions."

"But what if he doesn't feel the same, and I get rejected again. He's well known at school, why would he have any inclination towards me over any other person." I say, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

"Then I'll be here for you every second you need me to be. And why wouldn't he incline towards you? well known or not, he's not that shallow." she said with a smile. "And I know you can't guarantee someone will have the same feelings for you, but if you never try to figure it out and push them away, then you'll never find out. Crushes and relationships are about learning, especially high school ones. They help you separate and learn the red and green flags, what to look out for, and what inclines you into a relationship. And I know your experiences haven't been the best so far, but at least you have a second opinion this time." She said with a smile.