Sailing With Destiny

Millie Bee

Two years ago, exactly one month after my birthday, on July first, I lost my mom. I'd never experienced pain the way I did when I walked into a hospital room to find her lifeless form covered in a white sheet. I never got to spend a single moment with her in her last month nor did I get a chance to say goodbye. 

It haunted me for a very long time, I spent endless amounts of time and imagined how it would've played out if I made it in time or if I left for New York right after my road trip with Mitchell as planned. I even created scenarios in my mind of how it would've been if I was at her side in that last month, how I would've hugged her the moment she recalled I was her Millie. 

Illusions. That's all it was, nothing in the world could rewind time and I had to accept that it was never meant for me to meet her before she left – perhaps it was even what she wanted. I decided one day to stop crying over what couldn't be changed and rather reminisce about all our happy memories. 

The day after my first day as a doctor was my mom's second death anniversary and even though time healed wounds, it failed to erase scars. I got up extra early to visit her grave before work, I had a huge floral arrangement of her favorite flowers delivered to my place and made my way out before seven AM. 

I was quite upset and a little confused by Leo's behavior from the previous night that when I called Dad to talk about Patrik, I didn't have the will to argue his points about safety and traveling with a competent driver. So, I gave in and agreed to have Patrik drive me to work daily. Mitchell and I had a brief call, I mostly filled him in about my day and before I was able to tell him that Leo lived in the same building, he fell asleep.

I put the previous evening's event behind me and with a heavy heart, made my way to the cemetery where Mom was buried. I made it a point to visit her grave as often as I could, especially on significant days. 

It was a relatively warm day but was overcast and the grey in the sky was a good depiction of how sullen and glum I felt. With a lump in my throat, I got rid of the old flowers and replaced them with the new arrangement. My brows furrowed when I noticed another fresh bouquet of white roses, I reached for them and looked for a card or anything that would've told me who got them but there was nothing. 

I shrugged it off and assumed that perhaps Abuela and Papa had it delivered, I also made a mental note to call them later in the evening. I dusted a leaf off the marble stone and brushed my fingers over Mom's engraved name. 

"Hi, Mom," I whispered and did my best not to cry. "I can't believe it's been two years already... it feels like a lifetime since I've heard your voice but it also feels just like yesterday since I hugged you."

I composed myself, got up, and to keep my clothes clean, I sat on the bench beside her grave. I gestured to my white coat and offered a small smile. "Look at what I'm wearing," I proudly said, "remember when I was little and you got me a toy medical kit, I put on your white shirt and you pretended to be my patient."

I softly laughed. "Now I've earned this coat and I only have you to thank for that." I sniffed and blinked rapidly so tears wouldn't escape. "I hope wherever you are you're proud and... happy."

"I'm happy these days... at least the happiest I've been in a long time," I admitted. "Although the void you left is still there, I wish you were still here with me. Not a day goes by where I don't find myself in a situation and think about how badly I want to share a moment, event, or feeling with you."

I went on to tell Mom about my first day at the hospital, I also mentioned how grumpy my attending physician was but I assured her that I could handle him. I also told her that Leo lived in the same building as me but left out how weird our encounter was the previous evening.