Loosing game

Chapter 9

NORMAL POV

You watch as Bucky feeds your daughter her bottle. "He would have been such a great father to Anthony if only you weren't so selfish and insisted on going on that mission." You think to yourself. Sarah fell asleep soon after finishing her bottle. Bucky carried her to her room and returned as you made yourself comfortable on the couch. He placed the baby monitor on the coffee table.

"Wanna watch something?" You ask holding the tv remote.

"Sure," he says, "just let me go grab a shirt" he leaves to go to his room.

You turn on the tv and look for a movie to watch. Bucky returns shortly and sits beside you. "How about Inception?" You ask.

"Sounds good," he says relaxing and propping  his feet on the table.

You start the movie, Sarah wakes up hungry halfway in so you pause the movie. Bucky goes downstairs and brings her to you so you can feed her. By now Bucky is used to this and no long acts embarrassed while you are feeding Sarah.

"She's getting so big already," Bucky smiles rubbing her head as Sarah sucks your breast. "I know Steve would love her."

"Yeah, but she has you," you smile at Bucky, "She's really lucky to have you Buck."

"Thanks, Doll" he smiles before gently planting a kiss on the top of Sarah's head. "I know I'm not her father, but I plan to always look out for her even when you get remarried and she has a real dad." He says putting an arm around you.

"Thank you Bucky. It really means a lot," you kiss him on the cheek. "Oh uh sorry, I didn't me- bad habit, well I mean not bad but-"

Bucky cuts you off, "it's fine y/n, I don't mind, I know you didn't mean it like that" he smiles   

Sarah finishes and falls back asleep. You take her down and place her back in her crib while Bucky orders pizza. After thirty minutes the pizza arrives at your door and you and Bucky enjoy your dinner while you finish the movie.

You fall asleep and later when you wake up you're tucked into bed. You sit up confused at first, "Bucky must have carried me to bed." You say looking at the time to see its 10:30 pm. You get out of bed and check on Sarah who is sound asleep in her crib. You go back to your room to get your phone. Since Sarah is sleeping, you'll have to pump otherwise you'll be in a lot of pain pretty soon. You go down to the kitchen to get everything you need. You run into Bucky who's sitting at the bar drinking a glass of whiskey.

"Hey Buck, what's wrong?" You ask sitting beside him.

"Why does something have to be wrong?" He sighs taking a drink.

"You only drink like this when something's wrong," you frown.

"It's nothing don't worry about it y/n," he says pouring himself more whiskey.

"Buck, never mind," you say. "You can talk to me you know? I still care about you. We might not be getting married anymore but nothing will change the fact that I love you and I don't want to see you upset like this." you start to tear up.

Buck gets up and hugs you holding you close, "I'm sorry y/n," he says "I just miss Steve, Sarah reminds me so much of him. And well I can't help but think what our life would be like if I didn't walk out on you when you needed me most. I still can't bring myself to forgive me." He says tears pouring down his face.

"Hey hey hey, I guess we just weren't meant to be. You got dusted anyway." You say wiping his tears away with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. "I forgive you for everything. I mean it still hurts. But I forgive you. And I miss Steve too. But he's gone and I can't change that." you kiss his wet cheek. "I couldn't do this without you Bucky. I miss you those five years you were gone."

"I love you Doll," he says hugging you even tighter.

"This is nice Buck, but your hurting my boobs," you laugh a little.

"Sorry," he says letting go and siting down in his chair again.

"It's fine I just need to pump. Sarah's sound asleep and I didn't want to wake her." You say taking off your sweatshirt. "Will it bother you?" You raise an eyebrow at him.

"No, it's fine." He smiles  and pours the remainder of his drink down the sink.

You shed your bra and attach a pump to each breast. "I miss drinking sometimes," you bit your lip, "but then again since the serum I can't seem to get drunk no matter how hard I try."

"It's a blessing and a curse," he laughs.

"Yeah, I drank a lot after you were gone. I'd be gone drinking all hours of the night for the first two years you were gone. Then Steve found out and then I stopped for the most part." You sigh sitting back in your chair.

"What exactly did you do when I left? If it's ok to ask." He bits his lip.

"No no it's ok. The first two years is a blur. Mostly I'd go to the gym all day and drink all night. Then Steve intervened and well then we started going out kind out. Then we didn't because I couldn't get you off my mind and I didn't think it was fair to. And then about a month before everyone came back we got back together again because I realized I would always miss you no matter who I was with. And well Steve was fine with that. He said he missed Peggy but it didn't mean he didn't love me. So yeah we took things kinda slow. And the night before the mission to bring everyone back we slept together for the first time. I kept putting it off and would have delayed it longer but I don't know if we'd survive the mission. Anyways we went on the mission. I faked my death and then I came back and he was gone."

"My question is why didn't he know about the plan?" Bucky asked.

"I didn't want to put him in any danger. There were many attempts on my life for a long time. And well if it gotten out that I was still alive then he'd be in a lot of danger and I couldn't loose him too. But then I did, so I guess it was a lose lose situation." You tear up.

"I didn't realize it took you so long to well have sex with Steve, I figured you all were sleeping together all the time." Bucky bit his lip and frowned.

"There were so many times we were going to but then I couldn't get you out of my mind," you smile weakly.

"We did have some pretty good sex didn't we?" Bucky laughs.

"Yeah," you smile. "That wasn't the real reason, well it was but it wasn't as simple as that " you think. The real reason was because you never stopped loving Bucky. It was always him that you loved. You loved Steve but not like you loved Bucky. Steve was more of the best friend that you'd call at 2:00 AM when you're having a bad day. But Bucky, he was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. The one who you wanted to hold you close and never let go.