his innocence

chapter 29

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Happy Birthday, Gaddiel. Wishing you all the best.

I sent him that message through email yesterday. Wala pa akong natanggap na reply hanggang ngayon.

It's his 20th birthday yesterday. Ilang taon na rin ang lumipas. . . Maraming nagbago. Halos lahat nagbago.

I sighed heavily and close my eyes. I'm tired, I need a nap. Mamayang gabi pa naman ang show. Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa backrest ng kinauupuan na nasa tapat ng vanity mirror.

Nitong nakaraang taon ay nasanay na akong matulog sa kahit saan na lamang ako maabutan ng antok. Kung dati ay sa kama ko lang ako nakakatulog, ngayon ay iba na. Wala na akong oras para mag-inarteng umuwi sa tinitirhan kong condo at umidlip sa malambot kong kama.

I've been really busy and still busy until now.

"Aurora, hey, wake up."

Dahan-dahan akong napamulat sa pamilyar na boses na tumatawag sa pangalan kong nakasanayan ko na sa nakalipas na mga taon.

Kung dati ay walang tumatawag sa akin sa pangalang iyon, dito ay lahat iyon ang tawag sakin. Doon na rin ako nakilala. I'm getting there. The top. I'm sure I'm almost there.

"Aurora."

"Time?" I asked with my raspy voice. Nagmulat ako nang marinig ko ang pag-ismid ng kausap.

"So bossy as ever. It's almost 4 na."

Bumungad sa akin ang mukha ni Hansel. He's the closest person here to me. He's also from Philippines at halos sabay lang kaming pumasok dito sa agency three years ago. Magkaedad kami kaya madalas kaming nagkakasama sa mga shows hanggang ngayon.

Hindi siya fluent speaker sa Filipino kaya madalas ang conyo niya kausap.

"Should I let them in now?" he asked while I'm still sleepy.

Tumango ako. I heard him sighed. Maya-maya pa ay nagsipasukan na ang mga make up artists sa room.

This has been my life now.

"I saw you on the news earlier," Hansel stated. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Pareho kami ngayong nakaupo sa tapat ng salamin at inaayusan.

I rolled my eyes. "Wala kaming relasyon no'n. Pinagbigyan ko lang siya ng isang date dahil iyon ang sabi ni Felly." I spoke in Filipino so others won't understand us. Felly is our manager, she's a Filipina too. She told me to date Ryn, a famous actor for well. . . Of course, popularity.

"Yeah, don't date that guy for real. He's an-" Pinandilatan ko ng mga mata si Hansel. Ang daldal, parang hindi lalaki. Ang dami nang issue na nasangkot ako kaya ayoko nang dagdagan. Last na iyong kay Ryn, sana naman.

"Opps." He chuckled in amusement.

Ayokong gumamit ng iba para sa kasikatan but Felly said that it's give and take. Ginagamit lang rin ako ni Ryn. . . Like mentioning my name in public for more engagement. He's only popular to female teens after all.

But he's an ass actually kaya hinding-hindi na ako uulit na i-date siya. Like seriously? His face looks so innocent but his mouth is just so. . .

I hate men here, really.

Mainit rin ang dugo ko noon kay Hansel. He's so loud and aggressive and I don't like those kind of guys. Until eventually, nasanay na rin ako.

I admire him actually. He's just so unbothered about everything. Iyong alam niyang nasa liwanag siya pero hindi siya takot sa issues at critics. Wala siyang pakialam kung malugmok siya sa ilalim dahil kaya naman daw niyang bumangon at pumaibabaw ulit.

I know he's real. Hindi siya katulad ng iba. Their expectation and their reality are just far different.

We're all in a show anyway. You cannot tell what's true when you're in the spotlight.

Sometimes, I don't even know my own self anymore. I feel like there's always a hollow pit inside me.

"Are you happy?" Gaddiel ask me that years ago. Malinaw pa sa akin ang tagpong iyon. Umuwi ako sa Pilipinas dahil birthday niya at para tapusin ang relasyong namamagitan sa aming dalawa.

I broke his heart on his 18th birthday. How heartless, right?

"Kung masaya ka, Lia. . . Okay."

His tears. . . His tears still haunts me everytime I remember it. Na lagi kong naaalala tuwing mag-isa ako, tuwing madilim at wala ang nakakasilaw na liwanag.

We were so young for relationship back then. I realized it after my first training and during his second semester in college.

Everytime he contact me, I'm unreachable. Everytime I want to talk to him, I can't contact him.

Pareho naming hindi hawak ang oras namin.

"Gaddiel, you failed three of your subjects. . . to what? For what? To reach for me?" I cried at the back of their house. I pulled him there to talk instead of celebrating his birthday inside their house. "Gaddiel, that's so not like you."

Hindi dapat ako pwedeng umuwi no'n. Pero nang malaman kong may tatlo siyang bagsak na subjects dahil madalas siyang lumiban ng klase para hintayin ang tawag ko. . . I lost it.

"I-It's just INC, Lia. I'm sorry, please. Iko-comply ko 'yon, I p-promise. . ."

INC ang isa! Dropped siya sa dalawa.

I was so mad at myself. I feel like I'm holding him back.

I knew. From the very beginning, I knew that we can't handle it both. Long distance relationship is just not for us, not when he just got in to college and not when I'm about to reach my dreams.

"Kung masaya ka, Lia. . . Okay, w-we should just remain friends. You're right, we're so y-young for this. Y-you're right."

I want him to explore and I want myself to reach my dream without thinking about anyone. Yes, I'm selfish back then. Lagi naman akong selfish. I'm not kind. Kailan nga ba ako naging mabait?

Pero makasarili nga ba kung 'yong desisyong iyon ay dumurog din sakin? I didn't gain anything from it. Pangarap na lang ang natira.

So I left again.

Iyon na ang huling pagkikita namin. Our family knew about our break up pero kapwa wala silang binabanggit tungkol doon. Maybe, they also knew that it's for the best.

We still greet each other through email during holidays and our birthdays. At sapat na sakin iyon.

He's cool now, I think. Wala na akong naging balita sa kanya pero siguro. . . Wala na ako sa kanya ngayon. Maybe he has someone now. . . As he should.

I'm cool with it. Really.

"Oh, love, I'm sorry! Did I hurt your eye?"

Napamulat ako sa natatarantang boses ng make up artist ko. Panay ang sorry niya habang pinupunasan ang basa kong pisngi at palibot ng mga mata ko.

Shit.

"It's fine. R-really. Go on," I told her.

Yeah, it's fine. Everything's just fine.