Stupid Sickness

Streets and Stones of Silver (Kaz)

Kaz Brekker didn't need a reason. But he sure as hell wanted one right then.

 Moving his office to the first floor of the Slat meant a lot more people came to call on him. Anika and Pim had a report for him, Jesper wanted to invite him to dinner, Wylan wanted advice on how to run his new trading empire, Roeder wanted to persuade him to make him his new champion spider. 

Kaz wanted a break. He missed his Wraith feeding crows on the top floor windowsill, and didn't care to admit how much it had always comforted him to have her near. 

Inej was gone now, she had been gone for three hundred and sixty seven days. Not that he'd been counting. Not that he was so eager to have one of his friends burst in with news of her return that his heart skipped a beat every time one of them knocked on his door. 

He could hear the Dregs clustered downstairs, celebrating his newest victory over yet another formerly rich mercher. 

Kaz had wanted to get out, away from all the noise, and even his top floor bedroom wasn't enough. Inej's absence was heavy and filled his head with nonsense about her eyes, her smiling in the sun, her laughing at his nervousness about meeting her parents. Kaz had shaken his head and walked out, craving the quiet shhh shhh of the waves against the harbor and the silver lined streets.

Ketterdam was his city, and at night it felt like home. The shadows welcomed him, and the Staves were full of pleasure-seekers in their ridiculous costumes. He travelled up West Stave, passing the closed-down Menagerie. Kaz smirked as he passed, tipping his hat.

After the "plague", Tante Heleen hadn't been able to meet her rent. Kaz had bought the building and was waiting until Inej returned for her opinion on what to do with the place. Someone had broken in and smashed up the place, but it didn't matter. It would probably end up going out in flames anyway, to be rebuilt into his own empire.

Kaz made his way towards Third Harbor, his quiet place to think and mull everything over. When Inej came back, The Wraith would dock at Fifth Harbor not Third, but Kaz couldn't stop himself looking at the horizon, searching for her schooner. 

But that wasn't why he'd come to Third Harbor. No, Third Harbor was held a different kind of close to his cold, black heart. This was the harbor little Kaz Rietveld had crawled out of, all those years ago. It brought him back to his senses, reminding himself that he was dangerous and he was powerful, not the helpless, foolish kid he once had been.

He stood, looking out over the water, lost in thought. When was the last time he'd been to visit Wylan and Jesper? They kept inviting him to dinner, but he was always busy. 

He hated to admit it, but he desperately wanted to go eat with them, unwind and let himself have fun again. But he couldn't. Every time one of them asked, he made up something he had to do. He hated seeing the disappointed looks but he needed space. 

Kaz was cutting them off and he knew it, but for some reason he couldn't stop. He couldn't ask for help. He didn't know how.

Kaz's memories were coming back stronger recently, and something little could set him off. He didn't want them seeing him so vulnerable, couldn't bear their sympathy. Inej would want him to try. Maybe he would. Sometime. 

Kaz sighed and turned his back on the water.

Maybe I'll just walk by there, as a promise to return. It wasn't like he missed them. Wylan at the piano. Jesper singing and making jokes. Inej's absence even stronger, distancing him  from his friends. They were his friends, weren't they? He had accepted that, and it had only pushed them away more.