Stupid Sickness

When it comes to love. (Kaz)

His ears were ringing and the earth tilted as that name echoed again and again through Kaz's mind.

No, it wasn't. It couldn't be.

"No," said Kaz. "No. You're dead."

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm not." Jordie said, with a confused little laugh.

He thinks it's a joke. Something in Kaz shifted, as if it were breaking. Something in his chest. It hurt.

"You're dead," he repeated, trying to believe what he knew to be true. "I watched you die."

"I don't think you can have, seeing as I'm right here."

"No. Y-you can't be. I watched you die."

Jordie tilted his head to the left in confusion, and Kaz's heart positively ached at the familiar action.

"Who are you?"

"You can't be. I...I watched you die. Everything I did was..." For you. For us. For vengeance. Was it really all a lie? "How are you alive?"

"I honestly don't know," Jordie said. "I woke up in the Ketterdam harbor, right next to the stairs. SO I climbed them. I must have still been hallucinating, though. I thought I saw him. My brother, I mean. I had firepox, you know."

"I do know," Kaz said softly, almost sadly. "I know."

"Who are you? How do you know that?"

"It doesn't matter," Kaz's tone was bitter and he turned away. His shoulders bunched as if they might protect him from this painful reality. Jordie didn't even recognize him.

"I think it does." Inej's voice was gentle and patient.

And there goes any chance I had of being angry.

"No, it doesn't." In replacement of rage, Kaz felt the painful press of tears in his throat. He'd never been so grateful firepox had messed with his vocal cords and turned his voice rougher than it should have been. No one could tell if he was going to cry. No one except Inej, of course.

"Why not?" Jordie's head tilted again and Kaz wanted to set something on fire. It hurt so much to see something he'd longed to see for so long, something he thought he'd never see again. Saints, why did it hurt so much?

"You aren't going to like the answer." This wasn't a lie. The Jordie Kaz remembered may not have been an honest boy, but he'd never been a cruel one. He would not condone Kaz's actions, no matter if they resulted in revenge. Kaz had never thought it would matter, seeing as he'd always believe his brother was dead. Because he was.

I saw him die. I held his corpse. I know it.

"It's only fair!" Jordie exclaimed. "You know who I am, so-"

"What do you know about fair?" Kaz snapped before he could stop himself. All of the pain and unshed tears were burning themselves into white-hot rage, and Kaz could contain it no longer. The complicated, conflicted knot of emotions roiling in his stomach twisted, and because he always did, Kaz chose anger. It was so easy, so simple.