Stupid Sickness

The Hardest Words to Say (Inej)

Everyone knows what you are. You whored for the Peacock for a year and then you whored and killed for Dirtyhands for three. Now even he's left you behind. That's right, I still hear about goings on in Ketterdam. Wraith's been scarce, people talk. You came after me to try and prove yourself to him and you couldn't even kill me! You lost your worth and your use when Dirtyhands got bored of you, so you've been hunting down slavers out at sea. We all know what you are!

Pekka Rollins' words echoed in Inej's head as she conferred with Specht and her crew, as she tried to block out how much they'd shaken her.

I protect my investments.

Inej didn't know whether to roll her eyes or sob. Pekka had been right, hadn't he? Sure, she hadn't ever actually sold herself outside of when she'd been forced to at the Menagerie, and Kaz hadn't really left her behind. He wasn't bored of her, he'd seemed so happy to see her when she'd found him at the piano. Inej knew he really did care about her, he just didn't know how to show it. Kaz had called her an angel once, on the deck of this very ship. He'd held her close while she cried. Inej knew how hard it had been for him to do it and he had, for her. That meant something.

No, she wouldn't take Rollins' word for it. She knew Kaz better than Rollins. She knew Kaz better than anyone else, she thought.

I would come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you.

But Kaz didn't come to her that night, and she didn't go to him either. They both knew they needed space to sort out the encounter. She remembered the questioning look he'd given her and her promise to explain what her threat to Rollins had meant. 

Inej would keep that promise, in time. 

For now, she busied herself on deck, yanking herself from her thoughts to focus on the report Specht was giving her.

~

The sun was just starting to rise when Kaz emerged from his cabin. He looked like himself again, bundled into a dark coat, crow's head cane at his side. His dark eyes sought her out, silently asking. Inej nodded, finished with her task and went to join him sitting against the hull of her ship. He offered her the warm mug of coffee in his bare hands.

Inej accepted it, taking a sip. He'd made it just the way she liked it, a little too sweet but strong enough to fight off weary eyes and slow limbs.

"I'm sorry." Kaz said at last, breaking the silence. Inej merely looked at him. "When Oomen stabbed you, you told me to apologize. You never got to tell me why but I've been thinking about it over and over since. There are so many stupid little things I've said and done, and I don't know  which one you wanted an apology for specifically, but I am sorry."

Inej nodded slowly.

"Thank you." She told him, leaning her head back against the hull and closing her eyes. It had taken him long enough, but there it was, finally. An apology. It didn't fix everything but he had found the words. 

He tried.

"What was Rollins talking about? I didn't send you after him or threaten to or anything." Kaz asked her. Inej listened to the rough stone of his voice, just listened. She remembered he'd asked her a question and told herself off sternly.