Stupid Sickness

Bittersweet (Inej)

Inej hadn't known what to expect when she'd climbed the stairs of Wylan's and Jesper's house, towards the sweet music she could hear coming from a door at the end of the hall. 

But it was not Kaz Brekker--her Kaz Brekker--sitting at the bench, pale fingers dancing along, eyes closed, as if there was no place he would rather be.

Maybe there wasn't.

He looked at peace. Inej didn't get to see him like this often, in fact she didn't think she'd ever seen him like this. She loved it. She maybe even loved him a little.

And then he'd opened his eyes and seen her there, and he looked happy. Inej could have cried with the force of the look he gave her. This was why she had come back.

Something had changed, though Inej wasn't sure what. But then Jesper had made a joke about Kaz playing the piano, and Wylan had told them about the events of two nights ago.

Then, Kaz started talking about what had happened, about the men who'd torn off his glove, his coat, and most likely touched his bare skin. Inej knew he couldn't stand skin-to-skin contact, and though she didn't know why, she was pretty sure it had to do with Third Harbor at eight bells, with the way Kaz kept repeating that bit of information.

What had happened at Third Harbor at eight bells that Kaz had been reminded of? What did that have to do with his aversion to touch?

"I remember." Kaz had said. Inej knew he didn't mean the fight. She knew he meant something else, and she was fairly certain it had to do with Pekka Rollins and Kaz's deceased brother, Jordie. 

Inej hated what the man had done to those two little boys. She hated Pekka Rollins.

Now Kaz's bitter coffee gaze was fixed on the piano keys before him.

"My brother used to play the piano." Inej didn't think she imagined the heaviness in his voice, the longing for old times. Wylan and Jesper exchanged glances. "But not anymore. Want to know why? Because he's dead. Gone and dead and he's not coming back."

Kaz glared at the keys as if everything that had happened was their fault.

"He's gone, but no matter how hard I try, I still can't get rid of him. Why won't he leave me alone?" Kaz's tone was anguished, desperate. "He did everything wrong and I'm the only one who had to pay for it. He's the one who was greedy and arrogant. My only fault was not seeing his flaws for what they were. I trusted him, and he lost everything for the both of us. And I'm still paying for it, every day. It gets worse, not better. I'm not getting better. Third Harbor, at eight bells. They took my glove. That's all it took for me to fall apart again. Again. Why won't he just leave me alone?"

"Kaz-" Wylan started, reaching out as if he meant to comfort him.

"No, don't you start." Kaz snapped at the merchling. Wylan flinched at the anger and hate in his eyes. "Don't feel sorry for me, don't tell me it will all be okay, or try to pat me on the back. I'm not over it and I never will be, but your sympathy only makes it worse. I'm not helpless. I'm not fragile."

"You aren't helpless, or fragile." Kaz's gaze found her in an instant. Inej's voice was steady, like a tether binding him to this world when bitter memories seemed determined to drag him under. She knew whatever had happened was horrible, it was traumatizing. She couldn't imagine what it had done to him, to the little kid he had been. He had only been a little kid. What kind of horrors had to occur for a kid to become a monster? To become what Kaz had become?