Stupid Sickness

Memories New and Old (Kaz)

Kaz didn't know when it had started. Was it during the fight in the alley? Or when Wylan had found him trembling on the floor? Or was is when he sat down at the piano, remembering Jordie's love for the instrument? 

Sure, he'd also remembered the instrument in the house on Zelverstraat. When Mister Hertzoon had used it to make Kaz and Jordie feel more at home. 

But for once, Kaz hadn't been thinking of Mister Hertzoon and Zelverstraat. 

He was thinking of Jordie. His big brother Jordie. Who was dead. His best friend Jesper. Who was alive. Why had he pushed him away? Did he want to lose Jesper too?

No. It was because he couldn't stand the thought of losing Jesper. Of losing another brother. He did think of Jesper as a brother. So why did he react that way when Jesper said it? Why did it feel so much more fragile, so much more childish and hopeful when said out loud?

Kaz didn't know, and at that moment he didn't care. It had been two days since he'd gotten into the fight, since Wylan had found him on the floor, since he'd sat down at that piano. He didn't know why he'd decided to play, but he knew he needed it. He had opened up, poured every feeling into the music and he'd loved it. He didn't have to talk, to tell his past to someone and fear their reaction and who they'd tell and just about everything else.

Sitting at the piano felt light, it felt freeing, and it felt like flying. Wylan had told him he was welcome to come play any time he liked, no questions asked. Right now, he was seriously considering taking him up on that offer.

Kaz missed Inej. He wanted to see her again, to talk to her, to hear her talk to him. He wanted to tell her how much he missed her, wanted to tell her to never leave again. But he knew he wouldn't be able to form the words, knew she had to go, she wanted to. He knew what it was to her and though Kaz didn't want to keep her from that, he couldn't help the selfish desire to make her stay with him.

He knew she would be proud of him for opening up to Wylan, even a little. For being able to express the despair and horror of losing Jordie, of losing everything. He wanted to play for her too. He knew she would like that.

Kaz wondered if she would be disappointed about his fresh insistence of wearing his gloves at all times. He couldn't take them off the same way he used to when she was around. He would try, but after the fight, it might simply be too much for him.

~

Three hundred and sixty nine days.

Inej had been at sea for three hundred and sixty nine days. 

She said she would only take a year on her first journey. 

It had been a year. 

It had been a year and four days. 

Kaz wanted her back. 

He knew Wylan and Jesper missed her too. They seemed to be too afraid of his reaction to mention her around him, though. Though they never said it, he knew they knew how much he needed her. How much it affected him to have her gone. He wasn't sure how he felt about their ability to read him so well.

He had kept himself busy in her absence. He'd tracked down a rich mercher who'd payed for a night with her when she was still enslaved at the Menagerie. Every time Kaz thought of the man, he was filled with white-hot rage. He wanted to break something, kill someone. He wanted to hurt someone. He wanted someone to suffer, someone to pay for the year of pain and humiliation she had endured. He hated himself for not finding her sooner, not freeing her earlier.