Anxiety Attack

Chapter 40

Finley's P.O.V.

Eli took me back to his house after my anxiety attack. He told me that there was no way he was letting me be alone after what just happened. So I went, after shooting my Dad a text because honestly, he'd understand more than my Mom, and now we were driving, well, rather, Eli was, one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding my hand tightly.

I was quiet, thinking and Eli kept shooting me concerned glances.

In all honestly, though, I didn't feel up to talking to Eli about what just happened. I was tired, and after struggling for my breath for ten minutes, all I wanted to do was sleep.

"Are you okay?" Eli asked, glancing over at me.

"I'm fine."

"But not okay," Eli said softly.

I didn't answer but simply stared out the window, watching the trees and houses flash by, as if in snapshots. It's warm out today; children were laughing and playing in the street, stopping to grab their soccer balls and other toys as cars come past. Eli rubbed soothing circles on my knuckles, but I barely registered that fact.

See, Eli can't fix what's wrong with me. He thinks that he can swoop in and say that he loves me and kiss me and hold me and calm me down after anxiety attacks but the thing is they're random and come whenever they please and I can't shake them no matter who loves me.

I'm sad for reasons I don't understand and if I don't understand them myself no one can make me feel better, not even Eli. I don't know why I'm sad, but sometimes I'm filled with a melancholy that takes hold deep in my heart and I can't shake it off and that's why I stay in my room and try to find joy in things again.

And Eli can't fix that, no matter how hard he tries.

...

Eli parked his car and shot me one last glance before getting out of the car and running over to help me with my door. I grabbed my backpack and swung it over my shoulder. Eli shut the door behind me.

I've been to his house before, but only when his parents weren't home, and today they are. The timing sucks. I'm not in the mood to deal with people.

"You don't have to talk to them if you don't want to," Eli said, following my gaze which rested on their cars.

I followed him silently and he led me up the stairs, which were right by the front door to his room, where he dropped my backpack neck to his desk and sat in a chair. I flopped down on his bed and laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling.

"Fin," he said, his tone soft.

"What?" I asked, my tone flat.

"I want to help you," he said, leaning forward.

"Well, you can't," I snapped.

Eli blinked and looked slightly offended, hurt filling his brown eyes. He nibbled on his lip ring as he thought. "Why not?"

"Because you don't get it," I said, running a hand through my hair.

"Then explain it to me," Eli said calmly, which was really starting to irritate me as he was so relaxed and I felt like a hurricane of emotions.

I gripped my hair and hunched over. "But I can't explain, that's the problem. I don't even know why I'm sad!"

"Why are you sad?" Eli asked, sitting up a little straighter in his chair, his tone more argumentative. "Aren't you happy with your life?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "But I'm still sad for no reason!"

"Aren't you happy enough with me?" Eli asked next, his voice dropping considerably; now he sounds vulnerable. "Am I not enough for you?"

At this point, I was too upset to feel bad for Eli. "Oh please, how can you even say that, you know you're the only person that makes me happy!"

Suddenly, my hands were pinned above my head and Eli was hovering over me, his grip tight and face worried. "Don't," he said firmly. "Don't say that."

I laughed sardonically in his face. "What, say that you're the only person that makes me happy? Would you rather I say that you make my life miserable?"

"That's not what I meant," Eli almost growled. "I'm not the only person that makes you smile; you have Allie and Luke and your Dad and Ashton. You have plenty of people who love you and make you happy. Not just me. Don't put that on me."

"What, responsibility?" I said. "Can't handle the fact that your girlfriend is depressed for no reason? Want to dump me?"

Now Eli pulled back, turning away from me, tugging at his hair and he groaned. I watched him impassively. "Fin, no, God no. No, no, no. I'm not going to leave you. But I'm not going to let you say that you're completely alone."

"Well, I'm not going to let you say that you're not enough for me," I said, but my fight was fading. All I felt like doing was curling up and sleeping.

Eli opened his mouth to speak but then the door burst open and a woman framed the doorway. I blinked, having never seen Eli's parents, and after all Eli's bad talk about her, I expected her to have devil horns and to be breathing fire.

She was simple enough, wearing a plain black pantsuit and she had brown hair that fell to her shoulders in soft waves. Her face was rather pale and pinched, but she was pretty enough, and she had Eli's eyes.

"Oh," she said, surprised. "I didn't realize you have guests, Eli."

"Yeah," Eli said bitterly. "If you actually cared you would know," he muttered under his breath.

"Hello," she smiled at me, coming closer with her hand outstretched for me to shake. "I'm Mrs. Sanders, nice to meet you."

I cautiously raised my hand for her to shake and barely touched her fingers as we shook hands.

"Mom. This is Finley," Eli said. "Bye now."

If one was looking in from the outside, one would think that Eli was embarrassed for his mother to be meeting his girlfriend, but the tension in the room was as thick as fog.

"But-" she protested before Eli pushed her from his room and closed the door, locking it.

He turned around and breathed out a sigh of relief. "Sorry," he apologized.

I shrugged. "It's okay."

There was an awkward pause as Eli surveyed me, trying to get a judge on my mood. "Are you okay?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm okay," I smiled at him. "But I'd be better if you would come cuddle with me."

With a smile, Eli bounded over and flopped on his bed, landing right next to me as he grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest.

When I said I was okay, I lied.

...

I woke up in the middle of the night, hungry and uncomfortable. I had fallen asleep in my jeans and I hadn't eaten since lunch. One glance at the clock told me it was two in the morning.

I looke over at Eli, smiling slightly when I saw him sleeping soundly, his mouth slightly open and his hair flopping into his face. I brought my hand up and gently smoothed his hair out of his face. The motion was oddly soothing, and I kept doing it until Eli grunted in his sleep and rolled over.

I cuddled up against his back, being the big spoon for once as I wrapped my arms around his waist. After resting my chin on his shoulder, I sighed, feeling the vibrations from the sound on Eli's back.

Eli, I love you, but you can't fix me.

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Hey guys :) guess what? I have discovered that I can bold and italisize(spelled that wrong) on my nook when I couldn't before, so now I'm editing! Granted, it only takes like two minutes per chapter, but hey, at least i edited it for a change. Hope you enjoy the chappy, I know its super short but I didn't know what to write to make it longer and I was rushing it, sorry, but I hope you like it! Bye!

Love.ya!

-T A Y L O R