While the Sun Shines

14.

"Hey, wait up!" Alex called after Nick. 

Nick's shoulders stiffened as Alex did the exact thing he'd hoped he wouldn't: follow him. Still, Nick reluctantly slowed down to let Alex catch up and then they walked next to each other in silence. Nick felt Alex' questioning gaze on him, but avoided making eye-contact at all costs. 

This was weird.

And the weirdest of it all was that, for a moment, Nick had just wanted to do it. Lean in. He wasn't used to being actively chased by anyone, and the thing was, he liked it. But was that because of Alex, or because he simply like being chased and flirted with? Was he really so desperate for validation that a smidge of attention was enough to make him throw himself at someone, anyone, who gave it to him? If so, he was even more pathetic than he already thought. 

Nick's head hurt, and Alex still kept up with him no matter how fast he walked. He refused to leave, so Nick silently pleaded for him to at least stay quiet. But after a few more seconds, Alex cleared his throat.

"So uh, if you're heading home, tell me now so I can turn around—my apartment is in the other direction," he said sheepishly. "And I still have a lot clean up before flying back to London tomorrow."

Only now Nick realised he'd automatically headed in the direction of his apartment. He didn't really have a destination in mind anyway—he only knew he had to keep moving to keep his brain from imploding. Since Nick wasn't even sure himself where he was headed, he had to think about it first. If he wanted to go home, he should probably head back to the Ace of Spades to say goodnight to the others first. Then again, it was not like Carson, Lara, or even Mia cared if he vanished. Sending a text was enough.

"Okay. Stop," Alex suddenly said. "Stop walking!"  He stepped in front of Nick in the middle of the pavement and pressed a hand to his chest, forcing him to a halt.

In his bewilderment, Nick made the mistake of looking up, right into Alex' eyes. He looked confused and Nick felt a stab of gilt. That confusion was completely his fault. 

Alex breathed in and out deeply. "I'm getting a lot of mixed signals here tonight, Nick. Do you want me to walk with you... or turn back?"

What he was going to do next was exactly what Nick tried to decide before Alex interrupted him and demanded an answer right now. They had good time together, and Nick knew he'd end up regretting hitting on Alex. He didn't want to give Alex false hope because he genuinely liked the guy. If Alex wasn't going home tomorrow, they could've been friends, at least for a couple of months while they were abroad. 

Nick licked his dry lips while Alex just stood there, waiting patiently for him to speak. Being stared at only caused more waves of anxiousness, but eventually Nick snapped out of it. "Sorry. I don't know what I'm doing here either. I mean I've never..." Nick frowned. "Not with a guy, I mean."

A wry smile appeared on Alex' face. "Yes. I figured," he spoke dryly.  "Look if you don't want to do anything I get it, but I'd appreciate not getting baited, because," Alex sighed and looked up at the sky. "I know we met like two days ago, but I'm into you, okay? As far as that's possible for someone you've spent like three hours total with."

Nick stared at Alex, flabbergasted. Sure, he'd noticed Alex seemed to like him, but hearing it out loud made Nick's heart pound, stomach flutter, and face beet-red.

"Uhm, a response would be very nice right now," Alex said with an awkward smile.

Alex gave Nick ample opportunity to bow out and he probably should've done so. But Nick didn't want to lie to Alex and make him think it was entirely one-sided when it wasn't... Wasn't it?

"I wanted to do it. I wanted to lean in," Nick blurted, all the alarms blaring in his head as he did. He shouldn't be admitting this. It'd only give Alex more false hope. But Alex didn't seem to have more hope now—he only looked more confused. 

"Then I don't get it. What's wrong?" he asked quietly. "Do you have a girlfriend back at home?"

Nick snorted, then shook his head.

"Scared people will judge you?"

Nick considered the question for a moment. He wouldn't enjoy breaking the news that he almost kissed a guy to the guys from his old football team. He still remembered how well it was received when Sem told them he was gay; it had pretty much ended in fist-fights and Sem leaving the team. But everyone who would judge him for kissing a guy was at home, and part of a team he was never going to return to. Nick had no idea what his parents would say, but they'd shrugged when Sem came out and never said anything negative about it to his face or behind his back.

Either way, the bottom line was that all these people weren't here. They'd never meet or even hear about Alex if he didn't want that to happen, and Nick wasn't scared of being judged by literal strangers. He shook his head. 

Alex sighed quietly. "If you don't have a partner, and you're not scared of judgement, what are you afraid of?"

Again, Nick didn't have an answer. What was he scared of, truly? Of the unknown, he guessed. Of not knowing what to expect from this right now, nor in the future. And of apparently not knowing himself at all since he had never, in twenty-one years, noticed he wanted to kiss a dude. 

"It's alright to feel like this," Alex reassured Nick, as if he could sense the inner turmoil too. "It's all not that deep. You don't have to overthink it, or think this means more than it does. And even if you have these feelings, nobody is forcing you to act on it. Least of all me."

Nick breathed in and out deeply. Alex made being nervous sound so unnecessary. Wasn't being abroad all about new experiences? Nick had planned on locking himself up in his room, but that obviously just wasn't going to happen.

And now he was here with Alex. Alex, who genuinely seemed to like him.

"Do you want to..." Nick hesitated. His heart stuttered nervously in his chest. "Do you want to walk with me to my apartment?"

Nick saw Alex fighting his smile, trying his hardest to stay serious. "Yeah, I do," he replied so solemnly that it made Nick laugh. That, in turn, made Alex' serious front crack and he laughed too. 

The tension between them was instantly gone and they walked together towards Nick's apartment, laughing and chatting like they had on the way to the Ace of Spades.