While the Sun Shines

35.

Nick stared at the little '6' behind his name. The result of hours and hours of attempting to punch economical models into his head, and mostly failing. His professor's Excel file was ruthless—there were many other sixes like Nick's, a few sevens and eights, and an alarming amount of fives and fours. 

Fair enough, six wasn't a bad grade to get for a quiz in itself. At least it meant he'd passed this time, unlike plenty of his classmates, and despite the many distractions that had popped up the past week. Unfortunately, a six wouldn't be enough to compensate for completely tanking the first quiz. It wouldn't even be enough if Nick maintained this level and kept scoring sixes for the remaining three quizzes as well. A quick calculation later, Nick concluded he needed three eights, and a passing grade for his finals, to save the course. 

It sounded like an impossible task already. Sure, getting college credits wasn't the most important part of going on an exchange, but Nick didn't want to get his graduation delayed by one semester because of fucking up here. Going home without having at least one part of his life under control and thriving would only make it even worse. 

He shouldn't have checked his e-mails during the lunch break. Now Nick didn't feel like going to his afternoon lecture at all, but he didn't want to go home either. Blake could be there. If he was home, Blake would undoubtedly smile and ask Nick why he was home so early and if his class got cancelled or something. Nick didn't trust himself to not clamp up and be grumpy thundercloud in Blake's presence all over again. He didn't want to tell Blake about his grades either because if he kept being sensitive about every damn thing, at some point Blake would probably realise he was no fun most of the time, always troubled, and stop talking to him all together. Nick had just cleared the air this morning, and he didn't want to mess it up again. 

In the end, Nick took a long walk around the campus, sat in the library, and ate noodles in the city before finally returning to the apartment a few minutes before he was supposed to play games with Alex. His mood wasn't much better than it had been during lunch, but with Alex that didn't really matter. They'd be playing card games anyway, which was a great distraction and didn't require Nick to talk much about stuff outside of the game. 

When Nick stepped into the apartment's hallway, he noted Blake was definitely home because the light in the living room was burning. 

"Hey!" Nick called out from the hallway. He received a 'hi!' back from Blake in the living room, and then he quickly ducked into his bedroom. He'd talk to Blake later. When he was no longer moody.  

After getting settled behind his desk, starting up his laptop, and plugging in his headphones, Nick saw Alex was already online. Literally two seconds after Nick also set his status to online on Discord, Alex video-called him. Nick breathed in and out deeply, prepared himself to look cheerful, or at the very least neutral, and then pressed the button to answer. 

Alex was in his living room. Nick recognised the background—a large, white open closet with an impressive collection of fantasy books. 

"Good evening," Alex said with smile. 

"Hi," Nick greeted him back. 

Nick thought his attempt at sounding natural was pretty successful, but Alex immediately sat up straighter.

"Okay, who died?" he asked. 

Nick flinched, then tried to play it off with a shrug. "Nobody? Anyway, I'm in the mood for some Magic the Gathering Arena. You game?" 

"That depends." Alex raised a brow. "Are you going to sound like this all night? You're going to make me feel grouchy too."

". . . There's just some school stuff, okay?" Nick reluctantly admitted after a pause. "College sucks right now."

Alex stayed quiet, gesturing with his hand for Nick to continue his story.

"I missed one quiz entirely and scored a zero. It was the first one. It's a really tough class, and now I'll have to do unrealistically well to get my grade up again in time for the finals." 

"Okay, but why is it unrealistic that you'll do really well?" Alex asked. "You've got a good head on your shoulders." 

Nick snorted. 

"No, come on, don't deflect. I only need to look at our game nights. You're great at planning ahead in games, thinking out different scenarios, and even memorising what's in another person's hand. You're smart enough to get a good grade on some stupid quiz." 

Nick hesitated, unsure what to say. He remembered the times when he was a stupid teenager who refused to study because his friends didn't, and almost failed a year. After that, he'd started studying in private and never had problems in school again. It was true if he studied he could probably do it, but that was immediately the problem too: finding the focus to do what was necessary. 

"I'm good at games because they're interesting," Nick said. "Learning information I'll likely never use again after the test isn't, so focusing on that is harder. I'm... distracted. It's definitely over with my friends from home now. I don't think I'll talk to them again, and I'm trying to process that, I guess." 

Alex nodded. "You need to give yourself some time, I get it." 

Time definitely wasn't all Nick needed. Nick had purposely left Blake out of the story, not in the last place because he was very aware that Blake was in the next room. But it seemed Alex had mind-reading capabilities. 

"And how are things with your roommate?" 

"Good," Nick replied a little bit too fast. If Alex had already picked up on his bad mood while Nick thought he was acting neutral, he definitely noticed this. The smile that spread on Alex's face told Nick he definitely had noticed. 

"He's still doing well?" Alex asked innocently.

"I'd say so." 

Alex leaned a little closer to the camera. "Very well?" 

"Stop!" 

Nick cursed the way he couldn't control his blood flow and how he got flushed over every single thing that embarrassed him, because Alex drew the obvious conclusions. 

"So, I was right then? You and Blake."

"I didn't say that!" 

"Sure," Alex said, a smile lingering on his face. "I'm happy for you, anyway. And if you want my five cents: don't focus too much on school. I don't want to be that irresponsible person, but it's not all there is. And it's not the point of going abroad." 

Nick sighed. "Yeah, but I don't want to go home failing."

"You won't fail college after missing one or two credits or having to do one resit. And I'd say you've already succeeded by discovering a whole new side of yourself, and realising you really need to cut off your toxic friends at home. That's more self discovery than most people get abroad."

Alex kind of had a point; Nick had gone through some big changes. Whether it was for the better Nick wasn't sure, but the changes were definitely there. It would be good for literally everyone if he stopped worrying and overthinking. There wasn't an anxiety switch he could just flick on and off, however. 

"I get what you're saying," Nick said. "But I do seriously have to try harder at school." 

"Alright, but you'll have to start tomorrow." Alex grinned. "Right now you better try hard keeping up with me in Magic, or I'll kick your ass all night." 

Nick laughed. "Yeah right, Mr. I-worked-at-a-Casino. You can't even beat me in those games, let alone here. You're on."

Nick had already installed Magic the Gathering Arena on this laptop, so they could get started right away. He and Alex both spent the rest of the night playing the most annoying control and mill decks to make the other scream and swear, but it was all in good fun. After he and Alex finished playing games, Nick went looking for Blake in the living room, but Blake was already gone. He probably went to bed already, tired from his big exam. Nick would ask how it went tomorrow morning. He didn't get to talk to Blake, but still, Nick felt much better and for the first time in a while, didn't go to sleep worried.