Fallen

Chapter Forty-Two: The List

"Are you really pissed?" Ash asks. She had told Bellamy about the proposal.

"Do you blame me?" he asks. 

"A bit. I'm not the one who made the proposal."

"No. Instead you were actually been considering it." 

She takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Do something for yourself for once. You have control over your own life."

She lets out a sharp laugh.

"That's a lie," she snaps. "I have no control. I'm a fucking pawn in someone else's plan."

"That's not-"

"It is true. I go from one situation to the next scrambling to fix shit. There are a couple of times where I have been used for bargaining or to threaten someone with. And when I'm not, I am trying to save someone from half the fucking world."

"Weren't you the one who ran away for two months by your own choice?"

Ash lets out a sharp laugh. "You mean when I was ordered to train like a Grounder to help 'strengthen' the bond?"

"Take responsibility for your decisions for once."

"When you do as well," she snaps. The moment she said it, she instantly regrets it. Bellamy clenches his jaw, his face going blank.

"I'm going to be late," he states, starting to leave.

"Bell, I'm-"

He slams the door shut. She sits on the bed, letting tears fall. Maybe she should have stayed quiet. Maybe he is right and she is just the idiot doing everything wrong. How much of an effect would her past and future decisions hold? What if she was never made it to the ground? Maybe she just kept fucking up so badly that's why she's in these situations.

Her brain was in such a downward spiral mentally that she almost didn't even register the knock on the door. She quickly wipes her eyes as the door opens. Clarke walks in, looking like she is ready to go on a long rant. However, she stops when she sees how red Ash's eyes are.

"What the fuck did he do?" she asks.

"Nothing," Ash quickly responds, trying to wipe away the tears that keep escaping. "I'm fine."

"You know you-" 

She is quickly cut off by the walkie going off.

"We need help moving some supplies," Jaha tells them over the radio. 

"I got it," Ash tells Clarke standing up.

"Ash-"

"I can't sit here and cry. We have shit to do."

She pushes past the blonde, going outside. She can sit and think about everything. Maybe if she just works, she'll be useful. Or at least distracted from these thoughts. Jaha just puts her in charge of moving crates. Looking at this, she's unsure if it would be enough for everyone. Not only does Arkadia need to survive but also Azgeda. And that's if not every other clan can be saved. 

"Everyone I have an announcement." Monty's voice echoes out. Ash looks to see him at the rover, speaking into the hand held radio. Clarke is coming over to him. "Not all of us will live the meltdown. There is only room for a hundred of us." A crowd is forming. Uproar starts going through them. He holds up a paper. "Do you want to know who is on the list? Because I bet it's not you."

He starts reading each and every name. Ash was surprised when her name is called out. All people from Arkadia. How long has Clarke known? People start yelling at Clarke about it. All demanding why they are even on the list. The anger among the crowd is almost tangible. Clarke looks overwhelmed and scared. She keeps trying to justify why she made the decisions she did. 

"That's enough," Jaha shouts. He takes the list from Monty, tearing it up. "It's now a lotto. But no one will survive if we don't get to work."

People muttered but got back to work. Clarke is thanking Jaha, explaining how she is still unsure about how to lead. So he tries to give her some advice. Ash walks over to the two of them. Jaha excuses himself and goes to help finish preparing Arkadia. 

"Can we talk in private?" Clarke asks. Ash nods her head. Clarke grabs her hand, pulling her into a shaded area. There is no one close to them. "Okay. Now you can talk."

"Why?" Ash simply asks, just worn out.

"To which thing?" Ash just looks at her. "Okay. Listen I have been trying to find a way to tell you everything. But we were also trying to find a way to save everyone."

"So you just let me lie to Roan this entire time?"

"Technically you weren't lying. And like I said, we were trying to find a solution."  Ash leans against the wall, trying to process everything. Clarke leans next to her on the wall. "I'm sorry you keep being put in the middle of these situation."

Ash looks at her feet then up at the sky.

"Why did you put me on the list?"

"Because you can lead them better than anyone else."

"They wouldn't need me with you and Bellamy."

"But we would."

Before Ash could respond, she spots a man carrying a body through the gate. She quickly takes off towards them. The bloody body is a barely conscious is Octavia.

"Stretcher!" Ash quickly calls out. "Now!"

A couple of people hurry over, carrying the stretcher. Clarke comes over to help Octavia. The injured girl starts waking up some.

"War is here," she manages. "Azgeda is coming."

The others take her to the hospital wing. Clarke and Ash look at each other in concern. Ash lets out a sigh of frustration.

"You got to be fucking kidding me."