Have you ever forgiven somebody, not saying anything and simply forgiving them but, in your head you just completely shut them out with that little bit of unconscious need for revenge?
Well you see that's what I did, and I did it for the past 16 years I have been on this earth.
Slowly but surely, that need for revenge grows each and every time you throw it in the corner of your head. It gets more vile and intense every time it's rejected to be acted on.
When your need to be wrong is blocked with an apology and smile it only forced the urge up to the rim of the cup, before it over spills and lets everything out all at once in one hectic and heavy outburst of pure hatred, revenge and vile merciless outrage on the person who's been at your neck.
That's what it felt like right now,
I can feel my anger up at the rim of the cup,
Ready to spill sometime soon
"Are you going to finish all of that?" I look up at my father, who's sitting at the dinner table with his laptop out, focusing on whatever is more important than me.
"well it's my-
"Of course not." I look up to my mother who's sitting up straight, checking her watch before looking up and giving the same stern look she always has.
"..birthday." I finish my sentence and continue
"It's literally just cake."
"And next think you know you'll be to heavy for whatever dress you wear to graduation." She says accusingly while opposite me
I feel a sudden shame on me, like a spotlight of shame shining on me and I put the plate down trying to hide my embarrassment, but the way they are both looking at me right now fails me.
"What are we doing? I have things to do and we aren't even doing anything." she says sighing and putting her hands on the table boringly
I take a step out of my mind and observed the scene in front of me
And I hate it
"It's okay you guys can leave, more for me." I chuckle sighing with a smile, and my cup is tipping over
"Great! I'll see you tomorrow, working at the office." She says picking back up her bag that she left at the door along with her jacket.
"Also..
I look up at her hoping for something kind
"Don't eat too much, graduation is soon." And with that she leaves leaving me with my cake and my father who's typing emails on the other end of the table
"Do you really think it's fair?" I ask him after a while of silence
He looks up finally acknowledging my presence before standing up with his laptop
"Listen to your mother, just because it's your birthday doesn't give you a reason to get..like that" he looks at me, pushing me in a corner of shame and walks back into his office shutting the door.
Now I'm alone, I can feel the ball in my throat swelling up and I can't feel the headache in my eyes, begging to let streams of tears out.
I can feel my heart rate rising and my posture falling, looking down at the piece of cake before standing up pushing my chair back and making my way to the bathroom
I lift off my hoodie checking how I look, seeing if I'm really bad as they make me feel and I'm met with disappointment and bricks of shame crashing on my chest.
I breathe heavily realising I'm choking on my tears and I finally let out silent cries
And I really just want to off myself
One more push, my cup will spill
