depressive tendencies <3

35.

today my dad died. (2-4-2022)

we've never been close

the things he's done to me are unspeakable

but i will love him forever

regardless of how he hurt me

i took his guilt for granted

manipulated his presence in my life

should i have forgiven him?

ever since that night, things have been getting worse and worse

i'm addicted to nicotine again

weed

i did fentanyl last week

i've been trying to find any high i can

to erase the memories

the good and the bad.

i've been thinking so much more about my uncle.

would he be proud of where i am right now?

i got a tattoo

a little brain. my dad would've laughed.

without him it's all so hard.

i have nothing to fall back onto.

it's just me now.

i have no support from my mom or stepdad.

she laughs about it and my stepdad hated him.

hated.

past-tense.

that's been the hardest part.

having to correct myself when i go to tell stories about him

i hated him so much.

but he was mine

i was lucky enough to have a dad

even if he did treat me like garbage.

he loves me, no matter where he is right now.

i miss you, papá.

your light shines so bright from the stars, the moon, and the sun.

i'll remember the good parts forever.

i love you, daddy.

lmao this was so hard to write and not make jokes in. i wrote a whole eulogy for this mf and he wasn't even there to hear it. humor= best coping mechanism.

<3,

zo.