depressive tendencies <3

41.

four years.

four insurmountably long years ago,

i lost you.

it's unbelievable to think about now.

the thought of losing you was always the one i couldn't contemplate for long periods of time

but now what else is there to do?

it's horrendous to think about how four years ago i was losing you, my best friend, my love, my everything, on your birthday.

three years ago,  i was still laying on my bathroom floor, trying to end my life so i could be with you

two years ago, i started doing hardcore drugs, making any attempt i could to become numb to my own feelings 

last year, i was admitted to a mental hospital for trying to kill myself again

and this year, the thoughts of you are still always lingering, but it all feels so far away. 

i spent tonight and a few hours today worshipping god.

leaving all of it behind.

my suicidal thoughts, my addictions, my mental health struggles.

and last night i was so grateful to have a god who has the power to take all of those things away from me

but i couldn't, and now can't help but fearing that he might take the memory of you away, too.

the memories are all that i have left.

without them, i'll truly lose you forever.

knowing that i cant have you physically ever again is a definite,

but losing your memory is something i couldn't ever prepare for. 

last night, i felt so light and free for the first time since losing you.

but maybe it's because i'm slowly beginning to forget.

the small things: your favorite color, the interior of your house, the way you said certain phrases in your funny country accent.

the things i never thought id be able to forget are slipping away from me

and unconsciously, i'm letting them.

but i'm not hurting anymore.

i'm sorry, but i can't hurt anymore.

you'll always be in my memory,

but i cant stay like this forever.

i have to move on from these feelings.

i love you,

but i value my own physical and mental well-being more than anything else.

i love you more than anything, trav.

but it's time to let go.

i miss you more than ever,

but i'm no longer yearning for your presence.

so i suppose now it's time to say goodbye.

love,

zoe amanda.