depressive tendencies <3

42.

you'll never get over her or stop going back to her.

i know that.

so why can't i stop myself from thinking about you all the time?

i wish i could stop loving you,

i really do.

but with seeing you every day, it's impossible.

you call me your best friend, tell me you love me, and make flirtatious comments all the time.

what's wrong with you?

have you no respect for your girlfriend who you wanted back so badly when she broke your heart?

when i helped you get back together with her, i thought that would be the end of it.

but that only made you talk to me more.

i wish i'd never met you.

i wish that i had just stayed away from you.

stayed away from all of our dumb friends, too. 

i want to go back to that moment, tell myself not to.

you're bad for me, such a distraction.

i'm always thinking of you, my mind left alone to wander when i complete simple tasks.

the smallest interactions with you make me analyze for the remainder of the day.

i dream of you.

that's so pathetic.

it's like i'm obsessed with you. 

but i'm not.

i'm simply in love,

unrequitedly,

but love, all the same.

do you have any idea that your best friend says he's in love with me?

or that another of your best friends and i are talking?

i go to great lengths to keep you from finding out,

making sure you still talk to me.

i talked to you about brandon once, and you refused to speak to me for the rest of the day.

and you get mad when i talk about dalton, constantly comparing yourself to him.

you're jealous, but that doesn't add up to your actions.

you have her, why do you think you still own me.

it's like we're dating

but you just want the reassurance of me liking you.

do you care about my feelings or just enjoy the feeling of having a backup plan?

there's obviously something going on between us,

all of your friends and mine see it.

when will you admit it?

you know how i feel.

or maybe it's all just a game to you,

fucking with my feelings like you've been doing for so long

either way,

my feelings for you won't change.

this is unfortunate, but undeniably true.

i am irrevocably and undyingly in love with you, c.

but fuck my feelings.

we won't be friends anymore,

we won't talk anymore from now on.

i can't do this to myself anymore and you can't do this to your loving girlfriend.

she has no clue what goes on between us.

she's innocent and you're ruining it.

and i hate you for doing this to her,

but at the same time my jealousy is overwhelmingly ecstatic about it.

my friends all tell me to let it go, the whole situation.

they don't understand.

it's not possible for me to simply let go at this point.

but i've been taking small steps away from our relationship for months now.

is it worth it?

losing my best friend because of my own feelings.

i wish i could say no,

but i know the answer is yes.

i deserve more than what you give me.

disorganized but thoughtful writing >>>

hating myself for not being over this yet lmao.

ily guys though <3