depressive tendencies <3

40.

your birthday is coming up.

i've been thinking so much about you lately.

i wonder if you can somehow see these,

laughing as i struggle without you.

the pain that i felt that day, 

my heart being ripped open,

the breath being taken from my lungs,

everything i had in my heart being stolen with your death.

and slowly, the wound closed,

but every year around this time it hits me again.

you're gone.

i'll never have you again.

without you i feel so lost,

something is missing.

but something has been missing for a long time now.

almost four years.

you killed yourself on your birthday,

left me to celebrate not knowing you were gone.

broke up with me so it would hurt less,

but it hurt so much more this way,

left me with so many questions about us.

you loved me

or still do.

but you made everything make sense.

and now i have a map,

but never a compass.

how do i continue without  being able to feel?

you left and you took all i had left with you.

you knew everything about me.

but it's all gone.

i don't want someone new.

i just want you back.

and i know it could literally never happen,

but i'll continue to hope and pray.

just maybe one day i'll find a piece of you in someone new.

when you left,

i was left in a haze.

and people say that sometimes when trauma gets to be too much, you forget large chunks of time.

i did.

i don't remember that first year at all.

only how much i missed you,

how many times i tried my hardest to be with you.

each of my unsuccessful attempts only pushing me harder.

and since you, i haven't truly loved.

i don't think i'll ever be able to, not completely.

i  always push myself away from people,

blaming it on the fact that i'm not ready because of you.

but has it ever really been that?

has it ever just been you?

or is it the knowing the they could never understand me how you did.

never wanting to open up to them the way i did to you.

not wanting them to touch the same me that you did.

unable to bring myself to terms with the fact that you'll never be back to reassure me,

distract me from my own thoughts,

comfort me when i can't think straight.

always awake while i'm sleeping in fear that you wouldn't be there if i needed you.

scared to wake up without you next to me,

my dreams are always clouded with you.

i want to move on.

it's selfish,

but i don't want to be held back by your memory,

constrained by the thought of how my life should've been with you.

i want to be able to give myself to someone,

i really do.

but i can't.

i can't give up on having you.

i can't stop grieving over you,

i don't want to forget you.

i never want to forgive myself,

be able to take back my own emotions.

i just want you back.

because i love you.

i can't ever forget you,

because i don't think i'll ever try to.

i love you so much trav,

almost too much.

and i miss you more than i miss myself.

<3,

zo.