GIRLFRIEND // B.E

twenty.

•zayda•

"pretty baby," leila murmured as she pressed a kiss to my forehead.

i didn't say anything; instead, i just tucked my head under her chin as i cuddled closer to her. she pressed another kiss to the top of my head. soon enough, i heard her light snores as she fell asleep.

two weeks ago, i kissed billie.

i've been ghosting her since then. i know she doesn't deserve it; she literally did nothing wrong. i feel so bad about ghosting her, but i'm still freaking out about everything.

i realize that i like billie after we kissed, and i seriously don't know what to do, because i have a girlfriend.

i really need to tell leila about the kiss, but i haven't been able to bring myself to tell her yet. our relationship has been on the rocks for a while now, and telling her about the kiss would definitely be the last straw. she may be an ass sometimes, but i still love her.

i'm not ready to let her go yet.

at the same time though, the guilt is eating me alive. i don't know how much longer i can keep it to myself.

i cheated.

i bit my lip. the more i thought about it, the more tears brimmed my eyes. either way this whole situation goes, i'm gonna be hurting someone. if i tell leila about the kiss, she's gonna be heartbroken. if i don't tell leila and keep distancing myself from billie, she's going to be hurt too.

i hate this so much.

•••

"are you okay, baby?" lei asked as she cupped my cheek.

"yeah, i'm fine," i nodded. "just hold me, please."

"lil' clingy ass," she teased with a soft laugh as she pulled me closer to her.

i let out a small huff. my hands loosely grabbed the back of her hoodie as i laid there with her. i soaked in her embrace and attention.

once i tell her about the kiss, i won't have this anymore.

she's not gonna want anything to do with me afterwards, and the thought of that hurts. yeah, we've had our downs, but we've also had our fair share of ups.

i hate this.

i hate this.

i hate this.

i kinda wish i had never kissed billie. it's nothing against bil, no; she's amazing, seriously. it'd be different if i had kissed her, and i was single.

but no. i have a girlfriend. i shouldn't have kissed her.

what the fuck was i thinking?

honestly, i wasn't thinking. i didn't think it through before i did it. it just happened.

i buried my head further into lei's chest. i tried to block out my thoughts, but it didn't work.

sometimes i wish i could just stop thinking; it would solve a lot of my problems.

"i love you," leila murmured as she kissed the top of my head.

"i love you too," i mumbled.

she slipped her hand under my shirt so that she could run her hand up and down my back. i let out a soft, relaxed sigh as she did.

well... i say relaxed, but i'm far from relaxed. i'm still nervous and anxious as hell, and have been for the past two weeks.

•••

"me and your dad are going out to eat; do you wanna come with us?" mom asked as she raised a brow.

i shook my head. "no, thank you; i'm good."

"okay," she hummed, though she made a weird face; i usually always go with them when they go out to eat. "we'll be back home shortly."

"'kay, love you."

"love you too, sweetie," she gave a smile before closing my door and walking out of my room.

it's several hours later. after i left lei's house, i came home. i took a long shower, though i almost passed out afterwards because i had taken a pretty hot shower.

so fun!

since then, i've been laying in my bed. i'm wearing one of billie's hoodies, which for once, i didn't steal; she had accidentally left it over here one day.

it still smells like her. i've been cuddled up with it, with the hoodie over my head for any bit of comfort i could get.

usually, i would talk to billie about anything that was bothering me or upsetting me. she's always comfort me, assure me that everything will be okay, and give me advice on the situation.

i, for obvious reasons, can't talk to her about this.

there's the fact that the situation is about her, on top of the fact that i don't know how to even face her. not after kissing her or seeing how upset she is from where i've seen her at school.

i miss her though. i miss her a lot.

i tightened the hoodie around my face as i laid there. more of her sweet, vanilla scent filled my senses as i did, which comforted me a bit more.

i miss her so much.

i hate this situation.

i hate that i don't know how to handle it.

i don't know what to do.

i know that i should apologize to billie. she deserves an apology.

again though, i don't know how to face her. i don't know what i'd even say.

does she even want to talk to me? i know that she's upset, but she could still be mad.

what if she doesn't even want to be friends after the kiss?

not only will i lose my girlfriend, but my best friend too...

i don't wanna think about that.

i let out a sigh as i laid there. i reached over and grabbed the stuffy that she had won me at the arcade. i pulled it close to my chest, and i held it there as i cuddled with it. i bit my lip as my eyes welled up with tears.

don't cry.

don't cry.

don't cry.

i'm crying. great.

•••

a/n thoughts?

predictions?

how're y'all?

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