Not your Fault

Chapter 6: HYDRA

TW: suicide mention.

Loneliness.

That feeling so familiar yet so unrecognisable.

Sending scatters of memories before my very eyes.

Memories I want to forget.

The feeling settles into the pit of my stomach as I lay on the ground unable to open my eyes, not wanting to find out what horrors await me in my own mind.

This was my brain, my memories, yet I wasn't the one controlling them.

No it wasn't me controlling this vision. It was my guilt.

Punishing me, torturing me, hurting me for all the hurt I had caused others, all the lives I had ended and all the blood on my hands.

Opening my eyes was a mistake, a mistake but I couldn't help it.

I was at home.

No not home, hell.

HYDRA is evil, anyone can see that. But they can't see the pure darkness that surrounds the organisation. The darkness that calculates your own moves before you even make them. The darkness that allows you to think you have the upper hand before sending you into the depths of your own despair. Years and years I made those mistakes, thinking I escape or run away from it all only to fall into a hole of my own despair as HYDRA continued to torture me, abuse me until I was so deep inside my own head I felt nothing but an agonising desire for death.

And now here I was, in the HYDRA base observing as a young girl stood in the centre of the room, so innocent and unaware of the horrors this place holds.

That little girl was me.

Five year old me on the day my life changed forever.

God I was so young, so small, so innocent. Now all that was gone, ripped away from me as HYDRA turned me into what I am now. A monster, something that kills without mercy, tortures without trouble something that has no fear, no sense of righteousness and no weakness.

"Hello маленький (little one)." 

My breath hitches in my throat at the man behind my five year old self. So familiar, so taunting, so cruel.

The little girl turns around staring bluntly at the man who once owned me.

Baron Struker.

"Why Miss Romanoff you are a very special girl. Your going to make this organisation very proud."
He grins taking her face in his hands.

Watching as Struker touches me I fume lunging at him only to be stopped by a force that I couldn't see. Stuck, unable to move, help or even talk only watch as younger me tries to resist.

Attempting to pull away was a mistake as Strukers smile turns into a sneer dragging me towards a door.

A door I knew all too well.

I didn't know you could be scared of a door, but seeing it makes me want to throw up. Tears well in my eyes as I watch my own knees give out, trying and trying to pull myself from Barons grasp leading only to an even tighter grip around her arm as he pulls me through the doors into a room, the blueprint of my nightmares.