changes

chapter 10.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　
chapter 10
rule 10. Honey blonde hair is a must>>>
7pm in NYC
Kori's POV

No one ever listened, no one called me pretty
Grampy called me Penny, I think I am worthless
I don't have a purpose
Who am I enough for?
Why we always lose what we work for?
Why we hurt more?
Why we never see my mother cry?
She's so tough for us, poor her

I was crying to nobody by jhene aiko. This song has been on repeat for like the last 30mins while I have been wasting tissue and feeling all my feelings.

For the past week I've been ghosting everyone. I don't know why I do it. But I feel like I've been too happy and that's foreign to me. But sadness is very familiar and for some reason I missed that feeling.

I can't explain it exactly...

I want to be happy. Don't get me wrong.

But when I'm happy I'm so confused. I'm not used to it that much. And I end up questioning my happiness.

Why am I so happy?

Why do I feel this way?

This is strange?

Why am I not sad?

But I'm used to being sad. Being let down. Being dissapointed. Living in my own messed up head. Seeing the good things coming to other people while I sit behind and smile for them when internally I want that.

But when I have that feeling I reject it almost instantly. I know I do it to myself.

Like I've said... I'm quite self aware. I just keep relapsing, it's an annoying cycle.

So even though I was crying my eyes out knowing what I've done to myself, somehow I was at peace with it. Because it was just so familiar...

All I've been doing recently is staying up all night. Not getting any sleep. Eating junk food and...living life!!!! By being locked up in my room all day unless I have school.

I settled for staying in this classroom that was always empty for lunch.

But tonight this song turned on and I just fucking broke down. I hate it here.

"I always fucking do this shit," I sighed wiping my eyes.

I just hope my parents are busy right now. Maybe they're catching a nap while Jamely sleeps.

Then I came to a decision. I should dye my hair. I feel like dying my hair because of an inconvenience makes so much logical sense.

I knocked on my parents door and my mom and dad were laying down.

"Can I dye my hair?" I asked them still wiping my eyes.

"Kori have you been crying?" My mom look concerned as she sat up.

"Can I dye my hair honey blonde?" I ignored her comment.

"Awwww come here my love." she said putting her hands up and my dad was looking at me concerned as well. My plan was just to get their permission to dye my hair because of an inconvenience.