Pure Tears. Pure Love. Pure Pain.

Chapter Forty Two

Dear Bucky,

It's been 173 days since I signed the Sokovia Accords. 172 days since I fought you in that airport in Berlin. Everyday I regret the fact that we didn't agree on the accords, everyday I wake up and realise that you're actually gone. And I don't know where you are, and it breaks my heart.

Tony officially declared the compound 'complete' yesterday. He's having a party this Saturday. I'm not sure this letter will reach you in time, and even if it did I suppose you won't come anyway. Considering you're wanted and all. But if you did, and consider it for a while, please look for me.

I looked for you, you know. I even worked out how to use Tony's software and everything. But you've disappeared off the face of the earth, it's probably on purpose. I just hope you're safe. Are you with Steve? Sam? Natasha? I worry about you all, the compound is quiet without you. Most days I spend alone in my room, I read so many books since you've been gone. Caught up on almost everything I've missed while being locked away underground.

I miss you Bucky.

Yesterday I walked all the way to the beach we were going to get married at. Honestly, I thought I was going to see you there. In fact, I was completely certain you would be there. Don't ask me why. I mean, you won't of course because you've not returned the last 50 letters I've sent you. If they even found you, they probably didn't I just guessed you would be hiding out at Sam's house.

I wish I had the courage to drive up there and see if you were there. I miss you so fucking much I can't even describe it to you. This is reality, I wake up in an empty room in a mostly empty compound and you're not here. It's like a nightmare I can't escape.

You're okay though right? I mean you're alive and you have food and you're not too badly injured? God I shouldn't have hit you so hard I'm sorry. If I knew, if I knew the stupid accords were going to tear us apart like this I would never of signed them. You were right to side with Steve.

I miss you so much. I'm so sorry.

There's been no more missions, not one since I signed it. Tony goes out early and comes back late, and Vision, I don't even know where he is. Rhodey never drops by anymore. But there is Peter, the spider kid? He comes twice a week to see Tony, he's super cute Bucky you would love him. Such an excitable kid. He talks about science, and this girl MJ for hours, it's so cute. He's like the only person I have a sane conversation with these days.

Anyway, please just do something to tell me that you're okay. Anything Buck I beg of you. I'm going crazy over here. This week I have a very interesting task of paperwork! This is stupid. I used to be one of the best assassins in the world and now I monitor threats through a computer screen. Whatever you're doing, I hope it's more interesting.

And, another thing before I end this letter, how long do we wait? How long before I should give up and move on because I don't wanna fucking do that. But I can't keep staring at the ring on my finger and driving past the beach and taking my wedding dress out the bag. I don't want this to end, maybe it has, but just. I don't know Buck, I wish I knew if you thought about me or looked for me. Because I do that for you.

I love you James Barnes, and I hope wherever you are that you are safe and okay. Fuck, I miss you so much. Anyway I have to go, Peter will be here soon and I'm making cookies because I promised to watch Star Wars with him.

Stay safe.

All my love,

y/n

Xx

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Letters I should've sent

Dear y/n,

This is the twenty-fifth letter I've written to you. I haven't sent any. They're all in an envelope with your name on it.

I'm okay. I miss you. Seriously, I'm going crazy here. All I think about is you, I feel like I can't even picture your face but it's all I can see.

Why, Why did we choose to go against each other? I mean it was the worst decision of my life when I left the tower and you were standing there watching me walk away. When I pointed a gun at you to stop you from hurting Steve? I feel sick thinking about it.

We are supposed to be together. If I knew how to, I would leave here and wait for you at the beach we were supposed to be getting married at.

I fucking love you y/n y/l/n. Please wait for me. I know it's a lot to ask. But we are meant for each other. You know that. God I am so sorry for how this happened, but this is just temporary I mean I haven't heard from Steve maybe he's trying to reconcile with Tony. Maybe I'll see you soon.

I have to go now. I'll write you next week even though you'll never read any of these stupid letters. I have goats to look after. I'll explain later, but I'm scared what they'll do if I don't feed them.

Love you baby,

Bucky x

Authors Note: bet you weren't expecting that plot twist :)