Never Alone Again |N.R|

I'm a monster.

I took another ten minutes to prepare myself to leave my room. Every time my hand reached for the door handle it would just hover a couple of inches above it, not daring to touch it. The adrenaline of my nightmare and the panic that had ensued was totally gone, only to be replaced by crippling guilt and regret. How could I walk into that room and face Natasha, enjoy dinner with everyone knowing what I'd just done, knowing who I truly was? But on the other hand, I needed to keep up appearances, hide my true feelings from everyone. Natasha knew more than anyone how much I was struggling, too much really, but I could trust her to keep it to herself. At least, I hoped I could.

So after a couple of deep breaths I pushed down on the handle and opened the door, practically holding my breath as I stepped over the threshold and out into the corridor. I did my best to remain calm as I headed to dinner, just hoping that everyone was eating already and engrossed in conversation so that my arrival would go unnoticed. My stomach was flipping, the hunger I'd experienced this morning nowhere to be found now, even though I knew my body needed food. This whole preparation for our mission, or possibly even a solo one behind everyone's backs, was going to be hard. Much harder than I'd predicted.

I was glad to hear loud chatter coming from the kitchen as I approached, no doubt everyone shovelling food down and chatting away. When I finally arrived the only seat available was next to Natasha, my usual one, and I felt a little conflicted about taking it. She must be scared of me so it'd be wrong to make her sit next to me. No, I'd let her make the decision. In the meantime I headed past the table and over to the fridge, eyeing its contents for a while before grabbing a bottle of water. I was just stalling really, waiting to see if Natasha would approach me or if I'd have to bite the bullet and approach her. I wanted her to make the first move though, to give me some idea of how she was feeling after my attacking her.

I had my back to everyone, leaning my body on the counter as I fidgeted with the bottle cap, barely having had a single sip of the water. Nobody had really noticed my arrival, not that I really checked when I entered the room, and so I was left to do my own thing. People were used to me being a bit withdrawn most dinner times, usually finding the loud voices and continual chatter a little overwhelming. It all started when I went to Wakanda, no doubt a side effect of the HYDRA technology or my trigger words. It was like my mind tried to sift through every word people said in search of one of them, it was both exhausting and terrifying.

"Hey, you going to come and join us?" I didn't need to turn around to know that this voice belonged to Natasha. She spoke quietly, keeping the conversation between us and to avoid drawing attention, but her voice was also soft. Almost like she was afraid to hurt me, but that's what I deserved. I felt like I deserved to be shouted at, screamed at for what I'd done. "I don't think I should" I replied, matching her low volume but using more of a stern tone. "Why's that?" Natasha quickly countered. Was she kidding? I'd strangled her less than an hour ago, attacked her really, and now she was acting like it had never happened. "I don't deserve to sit with you, any of you." My reply hurt her, I could see the pain in her eyes although I avoided staring at them directly. I'd crumble under her gaze right now. "Rue, you deserve it more than anyone." I had to withhold my laughter at that, it must've been a joke. "Are you kidding? We're the Avengers, we're meant to work as a team to protect the world against evil. That doesn't quite work when a so-called member of the team is her own kind of evil, the worst kind." Natasha had her eyebrow raised, she kind of looked smug, which quickly made sense at her reply. "Oh really, and what kind is that?" I didn't skip a beat with my reply. "The kind that hurts the ones it loves. The one it loves most." Natasha said nothing else for a while, instead she stepped forward and turned me around before pulling my body into a hug. She squeezed me tightly, most likely in an effort to make me relax my muscles. "You didn't hurt me Rue, and you didn't mean to do what you did. Please, listen to me when I say I'm not scared of you. I love you." As much as I wanted to I couldn't quite believe her words, so instead I just buried my head in our hug and revelled in her hold.