The Cult [h.s]

~twenty seven~

this song is very close to my heart and i cry everytime i listen to it. i dedicate this song to every girl out there who feels insecure and alone. you're not alone babe, you're perfect the way you are <3

"She closed the door
She hides behind the face nobody knows 
She feels her skin touch the floor
She wants to fight
Her eyes are tired, nobody's on her side
She wants to feel like she did before"

~Mirrors, Niall Horan

Alena's POV

I didn't leave my room for almost a week.

Almost a week of fucked up sleep schedule.

Almost a week of staying locked up in my room.

Almost a week of crying till my tears dry up.

Almost a week of not going to headquarters or garage or literally out to anywhere outside my room.

Almost a week of not being able to talk to Harry.

I couldn't even figure out when the day started and when it ended. The sun rose and set at its times and all I could see was darkness. It's like this unending phase I am going through. World is moving around me but I just stay in my cave of misery.

Everything has changed around me it felt like, even my surroundings.

My room had gone crazy. My clothes were scattered everywhere around me and I made no attempt to clean it. My duvet and bed sheets lied on the floor because I had made my residence on the floor. I didn't sleep on my bed anymore. The comfort of bed was something which is did not comforted me anymore so I preferred to sleep on the carpeted floor instead.

Sometimes I woke up with back pain but that was the least of the damage that could happen to my body.

I just wrapped my mom's scarf around me all the time as a reassurance. It made me feel safe like it kept evil powers and negative energy away from me. I don't believe in spiritual things but sometimes it got too carried away that I start blaming everything on them just to make myself feel better. I did this cause I didn't know how much more I could take it. How much more I could take the mental torture. 

The demons in my mind, they would not stop their torture on me. No matter how much I tried to keep myself at peace, I somehow get triggered back to what happened to me. It killed me slowly. Spreading all through my body like a negative energy that I couldn't stop. I wanted to feel again, be normal again but my own head kept betraying me. My mind would take me to the darkest places when I am sitting alone and zoned out thinking about everything to nothing. It had become mentally exhausting.

I showered twice every day because I felt dirty. I could still feel his lingering rough hands on me, touching me everywhere. I could visualize him standing behind me, pressed against me and I start crying and shaking. I felt filthy and impure. No matter how much I clean myself up, I couldn't get rid of the memory of him touching me.

And when I looked at myself in the mirror it felt like the person staring back at me is someone else whom I don't know. So I restrict myself from looking at the mirror.

I sleep at random hours of the day. Wake up to some sort of nightmare, sweating profusely, then I eat something just so I stay alive. I did this schedule for the first three days. It was like living under a rock, in darkness away from the light of life. It was heart wrenching. I woke up anytime and would start crying or go into a panic mood. And there was no one to save me.

My cheeks stayed sunken inside my face and I looked like a walking corpse. Tears stains stayed on my cheeks 24/7 making it red all the time. I hated to see myself like this. And the worst part is that I could do absolutely nothing to make myself feel better.