What do the stars feel when they look at Us?

Chapter 3: Caterpillars

This time the caterpillars came at night. It was the night after the blackout.

They crawled onto my skin and made me fear for my life. I suspected that. It's just logical reasoning.

I mean, why wouldn't they come back after I got too close to Linda again? It always happens that way.

That's why I'm different. Why I've always been different.

All I did was touch her hand, look at her hair. Watch how she breathes and smiles and talks. And my body reacts to it as if I just drank a ton of toxic waste.

At least it was at night. And I was alone with it. At night, when no one could've helped me. When the world was sound asleep and the caterpillars wide awake.

And they reached for my neck. I gasped for air. Held onto my pillows. Drowned in old thoughts.

Asking myself why I cared so much. Cared so much about something that happened years ago.

Hung onto my blanket. Wrapped it around my chest. Craving for it to end.

Pushed myself up. My whole body. Leaned against the window frame above my bed. Opened it. Letting myself fall onto the ledge. Not scared of falling. Scared of my lungs detaching. Scared of my mind spiralling. Scared of losing control.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe again. Breathe manually. Be in control. Be in control, god damn it.

I managed to move my legs. They started to carry me away from the window. Around my room. My eyes facing upwards, searching for guiding points on the ceiling.

Breathe. Breathe.

Punching into the air. Letting go of my blanket. Resting my legs. Collapsing towards the ground.

Peace.

-

There was a slight, dull filter covering my eyesight the next morning. The fresh air surrounding me felt rejuvenating. As if I had aged decades overnight.

"Can't you go any faster?", Pedro asked me, on his bike ahead.

His mind had gone missing.

I didn't respond. I hadn't responded at all today.

Pedro just showed up. That's what he does. He was good at showing up.

I could hear the breeze echoing throughout the forest. How the leaves fell victim to its vigour. How tiny stones crunched underneath the ever-rolling tires.

It slowly tired me out.

-

Eventually, we reached his sacred place. The lake in the midst of the deep forest. He sat down on his usual stone and looked at me.

"You don't act like yourself today, Ben."

"I don't?"

"Not at all."

His words kind of made me angry.

I asked myself who he was to judge whether I acted like anyone or anything at all.

I was here for him after all.

"Why do you always want to come here?", I asked him.

"Are you asking because Linda did last time?"

He raised one of his thick eyebrows.

"We shouldn't have brought her here after all", he concluded.

"No, Pedro, we definitely should have."