What do the stars feel when they look at Us?

Chapter 32: Hermes

It was late morning as we passed over one of the ridges of our surrounding countryside. Our home city at our feet. With the hill where my home was.

It didn't look the way it did when we left.

Even though that had only been two days ago.

I had grown accustomed to the sound of punk over the weekend.

Accustomed to Matilda and to being away.

That's why the city looked like a stranger.

And I wanted to return to wherever we had to go to to keep those familiar feelings.

If I hadn't told myself to change, I wouldn't have come back.

-

Matilda dropped me off at home.

Every fibre of my being resisted leaving this car.

But I made a promise to my mother.

And a promise to myself.

"Where are you gonna go now?", I asked her.

"I don't know, really."

Her voice sounded hollow. Unlike every time else she spoke.

"Don't you wanna go home?"

"I should probably do that."

"You could text me when you're there. If you want to."

"Yeah, I might."

I grabbed all my stuff. Ready to wave goodbye.

"Would you search for me like Anat did with Baal?", she asked me.

"If I was a female, Semitic goddess and you a demon created by Christianity, you mean?"

"Yes, if you were."

"I probably would. But it's..., kind of difficult right now. A lot of things to sort out here. And also I'm..., kind of not a female, Semitic goddess and you're not a demon created by Christianity, after all."

"I get that."

Smiling was painful. I don't know why we both saw it as an appropriate thing to do.

"Do you think you would've stayed with me a little while longer if I gave a proper answer to the stars question?"

"I think I did all of this with you because of the answer you gave."

With every moment I spent standing in front of the walkway to our house door, my thoughts grew louder and louder. So loud that speaking and thinking at the same time felt like an impossible task to master.

So we parted ways.

If I had kissed Matilda again right there, it might've turned myself into a demon.

And, in that moment, I was really ready to go to hell.

-

The hug my mom gave me as I entered the house felt like I was comforted by a bed of flowers. And as soon as their fine scent covered me whole, I broke out into tears that must've shaken the earth for millennia to come.

I only remember saying one thing to her.

"Mom. I think I'm sick. And I need help."

-

It's crazy how nothing but a few words can change the whole course of your entire life. Words are always connected to our actions, obviously. But we don't speak on them most of the time. We think about them again and again without them having any effect but more fear and more consequences to be afraid of.