Gone Girl 3

Chapter 4

"Last week we got to know each other a bit, but since it's your last day therapy session here, I'll take notes today," Josephine explains as I make myself comfortable in her soft leather chair.

"How are you?" she asks as she opens the notebook and writes down the date.

"Are you going to write how I am there?" I ask amused. If I say I'm feeling shitty, will she use the exact same vocabulary?

"Yes. I will try to analyze how you are feeling during every session before and after to compare and decide whether it's working or not."

Hmm, fair.

"I am... I don't know," I mutter. "Just lost. I want to go back to campus and pretend nothing happened."

"Is this your usual approach? To pretend nothing happened until you have a breakdown?" she asks with no judgement, just to confirm what I said.

I nod.

"Okay, so, did you do the assignment I asked you to?"

"Am I going to get detention?" I joke. I already have school homework here. I also have to study a lot for the next exams.

She laughs. She is probably used to to her patients resisting.

"I couldn't find anything I liked about myself," I admit. I truly don't know one thing I like about myself, let alone five.

She hums. "What is one compliment you always receive?"

Derek complimented me the most in my whole life. I remember when we were dating and I was staying over at his apartment and tried to hide it from my mom and he would wake me up with kisses and tell me I'm beautiful. For a second I believed that I was actually beautiful.

That reality shattered very quickly.

He also told me I have nice boobs but I know he lied because they are small.

I laugh at my thought.

"Someone said that I'm beautiful and have nice boobs," I try to stay serious but I chuckle and Josephine laughs.

"Okay, I won't write the second thing down," we laugh.

"Do you struggle with intimacy?" she asks changing the subject. Phew, I didn't know what other three things to like about myself.

But this isn't an easier subject either.

"I don't struggle with sex, especially while drunk. I struggle with people loving me," I admit surprised that I just said this out loud. She is just too good.

"Why do you think you don't deserve love?"

That's the hard question... it feels hard to even think about the answer even though I know it.

When I stayed over at Derek's hotel because of Alexander he told me something I will never forget. He said, "are you more ready now than you were before?" Referring to me wanting him back but not being ready. I only chased him because he didn't want me but once I had him, I left.

I love him but the moment he loved me back I thought I didn't deserve it. How can someone love me? Do they have poor taste? Are they blind? They will leave once they realize there is nothing to love.

"My trauma ruined me. It destroyed my whole personality. I'm not the same girl I was three years ago, not even one single good quality. I only have more flaws. I'm disrespectful, inconsiderate, impulsive, stupid, worthless. Why would someone love me when I don't love myself?"

She writes down some of the things I said which I don't know if I like very much...

"You are worthy of love even if you don't love yourself. You don't have to do anything to be worthy of love," she says and my mouth's agape.