Something I can handle

Boy was i wrong

So as time went by I started to realize that D wasn't all I thought he was .

When we decide to start dating ...
He became very angry all the time .
Everything was my fault .
He got a bad grade cause I wouldn't stop texting him so he could study .
He lost a round in his game cause I was bugging him on the phone .
He got up late for school cause I wouldn't let him go to sleep .
He had me convinced that I was doing a terrible job at being a girlfriend for the first time .
Because D was my first boyfriend .

I would come crying to my best girl friend S , since she was the only one who knew ... I would show her the text and I remember crying asking her over and over to tell me where I went wrong ... what should I  do to fix it .

She constantly told me 'it's not you ' ,' you didn't do anything', .

I didn't listen I would constantly find a way to twist my own words and tell my self that I was wrong and I wasn't good enough and I needed to try harder . 
S would tell me all the time that this isn't a healthy relationship , that he was mentally abusing me and that if I didn't stop things now it would turn to physical abuse .
She was right but I refused to accept that .

It came to the point where I needed his approval for everything and if I didn't have it I would be so depressed and cling to finding other ways to impress him .
Did he like my hair color ?
Did he like my hair cut?
Did he like my shorts or did he like my pants ?
Did he want me to smile or frown?
Did he want me to whiten my teeth ?
Did he want me to listen to this ?
Would he be impressed if I learned how to play this ?
Would he think it was cool if I hacked in to that ?
Does he want me to loose this much weight or this much ?

When he started making it to where I went shopping I'd send him pictures before I got something and if he didn't like it or didn't want me wearing it , I would tell my mom I didn't like the way it fit me or I changed my mind and id put it back .

It got so bad that it became an addiction to have him text me , or call ... to have him approve this and that .
Any day I went without speaking to him I literally felt sick ... I felt like I wanted to curl up into a corner and cry ...

I thought it was love but what I didn't realize was that it wasn't at all ...
it was my punishment ... God was showing me that if I continued in my sin of disobeying my parents .
My sin and secrecy would swallow me whole, my so called "relationship" would cause me depression and pain because it wasn't set in stone to glorify him it was set in the fleshly wants of the world   .

But at the time I didn't realize it but it was slowly tearing me apart mentally ,spiritually,emotionally and physically.

A friendship that was once the best thing in my life turned into a lustful, painful, addiction that was like a drug .
my flesh couldn't get enough of the rush of hiding something so big from my parents . it also couldn't get enough of the toxic poison that was our "relationship" we faught all the time ... over almost nothing ... then would bounce right back because we missed eachother ... when in reality we missed the lust .
I will admit shamefully that no we weren't together in person but there were things said  that shouldn't not have been for two people claiming to be "Christians " ... But we thought that since my parents hadn't found out that it had to be a sign from God that this was ok .... I mean we weren't having sex right ? So what was so wrong ? It was just my narrow minded parents ? They wouldn't understand how much we "needed" eachother ! They would just tell us we were to young to know what love was ! And there was no way we were gonna let that happen .   

Slowly but surely there came more times that we were fighting ! He would break up with me and then not even a week later we would be back on the phone at 1 am telling eachother things we would do if we were physically together ... Things we knew we shouldn't be doing .

Well come the end of summer of 2013

We were in another fight ... he said he was done for good .
He told me so many things before ... things like I was an attention seeker .
Or I was acting immature
Anything to disrespect me and make me angry when we were fighting but the last thing he said to me took first place for the worst thing ever said to a girl .... it broke my heart ...
He told me he couldn't be with me any more ....that ...
I was to insecure to be loved .... that no one would be able to handle how insecure I was .

I broke ... I couldn't handle it .. no not the to insecure to love part ... but that he was really gonna leave me !

Yep . that's were I was at mentally .... he was my drug and I was the addict he could say the worst thing in the book ... that I was to insecure to be loved .... and that part didn't even hit me the hardest ... it was the fact that he was really done . 

And I only made it worse ....
I begged him ... I begged him to stay with me ... that I would change ... if he would just give me another chance ...

I had hit rock bottom ...
I had become so pathetic and so far gone ....
That I would go and change myself for someone who didn't even treat me the way a man of God should treat a girl .

Well I was torn apart then of course my mom noticed .

She snatched my phone from my hands and went through everything .

She didn't know which to be angry or sad ?
So she went with disappointed .

(Don't you hate that more then anything .....the fact that someone can be angry with you even furious .... but it will never effect you the way the disappointed card does . )

You think I'd be crumbling to pieces to get my mom to forgive me . the way I usually would .

But no instead I just decided to crawl up in my bed and cry .

I was utterly convinced that I was gonna die of depression and a broken heart .

Over a douche bag who used to be my best friend .

my life was over .

________________________________

I know this is a long one guys ...

Sorry bout that .

Hope that this story has some kinda of similarities to anything you may be or may have already felt with . and if not it's a guideline of what not to do as a young Christian teen girl .

Thank you lord for everything you do

You never fail to do what's best for me .

Amen ,
Aly